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September 03, 2011

Never been to the Iowa State Fair? well, I painted a picture for you!

Where to begin…..

With my recent move to the Des Moines area, I was enthralled by the glitz and glamour of the IOWA culture and the centralization of the Iowa State Fair. Upon beginning a new job in a new town, I was asked a multitude of times…..”are you going to the fair?”….My answer was clear and concise…”i figure I have no other choice but to partake in the festivities of life and laughter”. After questioning my current and soon to be ex roomate (no bad blood) about the fair, it was to the understanding that the fair is a time to not be taken likely nor for granted for it is a magical time that brings people from all over together. How could anyone pass up an opportunity to not only smell pig shit but be within a foot of it all day?

Before living the dream at the fair, my roomate and I found it best to research all of what the fair had to offer….and boy were we ever in for a treat! A triumphant spread of musical acts, foods and rides to tickle our minds and tummy’s into an orgasmic godliness.

Upon arrival during the first day and after spending 15 minutes in traffic, we had finally arrived. My knees shaking  with utter curiosity and anticipation as we pulled up to a little slice of heaven. We arrived at the front gate (1 of 16), a large sign at the ticket booth read “free Potato O’ley with fair ticket stub at your local Taco John’s”…..that alone is worth the $10 admission into glory.  After around a 15 minute wait, I WAS IN! My animality inside took over and it was almost as if nothing else mattered, I knew at that moment that the Iowa State Fair is where I was supposed to be. What to do first? What to see first? Was I hungry? Was I ready to puke my brains out? or Was I ready to simply take in all the freaks and weirdos that lie my way? The sky was the limit and without further due we were off, the world at our fingertips and nothing could stand in our way.

We were quite hungry due to the anticipation and fair food is the only thing that would satisfy my hunger. I WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE! Foods ranging from meats to dairy’s….sweets to sours….and waters to alcoholic beverages. Of course the average everyday food was in place but why try food that can be easily made at home? Stand after stand containing the filthiest, nastiest, cholosteroliest, fattiest, and most disgusting foods were at my disposal. A hard but important choice lay ahead. One interesting stand caught my eye immediately, the banner on top read “Fried Candy Bars, Fried Sticks of Butter & more”. I figured I would try and go the healthy route at first so I found the next best thing…..a stand with a banner reading “X-treme Tenderloins”!

I am an X-treme kind of guy so X-treme tenderloins was the best option. I opted for the X-treme basket which contained nacho fries, and a  fried pork tenderloin sandwich  with onions, saur-kraut and mustard and a coca-cola all for a whopping $8. The sandwich was a staggering size mounting to the length and width of my head…it truly was X-treme! I was not able to finish the extreme meal; however, I knew a day of fun and more food lie ahead.

We proceeded to the animal shelters and show-rooms. Who knew that showing animals off before they are butchered and slaughtered would be such a fascinating and triumphant time? Awards are handed to the biggest, smallest, fattest, ugliest and skinniest animals only for them to have a sense of glory and pride before they are used as nourishment to the masses. What a great thing to think about before death…”at least I was the fattest.” At one point I was even blessed enough to witness one cow shitting on another. LUCKY ME! Some people go through their whole lives without ever seeing such a feat. I truly felt honored.

From here, we decided to look at the new and upcoming models of tractors and “mules” only to realize that we will never have a use for them nor honestly give a shit as to what brand makes what. We then came upon the “Dodge, Jeep and Chrysler” tent and entered for a chance to win a $30 thousand dollar voucher for any new vehicle on the lot. I figure when I win, I will sell the voucher for $25 thousand dollars….GROUPON style.

After, we decided to try our luck at the ever fair and reasonable carnival games at the Midway. We immediately realized we were surrounded by people who appeared to be addicted to narcotics and many other illegal substances working these games. Nothing says customer service and fun more than a guy with meth mouth and a hook for a hand explaining how to throw a ball against a board just right only to be rewarded with enormous stuffed animals filled with bullshit beads that rip and tear the moment it hits the ground. The carnies working the booths would make the game look so easy…..I would imagine, its because they live and die behind the booth of trickery and despair and they have nothing else to do. The basketball hoops were literally ovular in shape and when we would ask the educated attendant, he would reply “It is a game of skill”. What a bunch of shit! We struck a deal with meth mouth which allowed “if one of us wins, we both win.” That was a mistake…….on his end! We walked out of the midway carrying two large horribly made and ready-to-break stuffed bulldogs. One of the few things I learned at the fair was….”a man who has won a ‘choice’ prize at the fair, IS GOD!”

Everywhere we went, we received stares from kids, pre-teens, teens, adults and matures all questioning our skills and how we were able to pull off such a feat of not only defeating the bullshit Midway once, but twice! We would tell people that we are Gods among men and with years of practice, dedication and hard work, they could do the same one day.

After feeling completely violated by women who wanted to clearly have relations with me due to the large red bulldog I was carrying, we decided to call it quits for the day and head back to our dwellings. But before I left, I had only one more challenge to tackle. The thought of passing up on the opportunity to have a deep fat fried stick of butter and a deep fat fried milky way was literally eating away at me. I began to think “if this is not the time, than when is?” I waited in line for a total of 45 minutes to get my hands on the worst thing you could ever put into your digestive system. I am not lying when I say “butter”. It truly is a stick of butter cut diagonally, jammed on a stick, dipped in batter and fried four four and half minutes, than covered in glaze. Now the line was ultra long but the reason it took 45 minutes was because people were ordering 8 at a time and the frier looked like it was from a Polly Pocket kitchen. Once I finally received it and paid my 8 dollars (4 for the butter, 4 for the Milky Way)……. I did not know how to take it. They both looked liked corndogs but I knew if I went into it with that mindset, I would be not only disappointed by the outcome but also sickened by the actual taste. I asked for a fork from the lovely chef and in return was given a look as if eating utensils are for rich and clean people….not fair people. I was able to have one bite of the butter which in fact tasted like a mix between a cinnamon roll and a donut and two bites of the milky way which tasted like a “Scotch-a-roo”. I was only able to have a few bites not because of the taste, but because I could literally hear my heart call me an asshole.

When we finally returned home, we realized that our time at the fair at come to an end…… but one of use would soon return later in the week to attend one of the greatest concerts of all time.

Here is a link to watch how the butter is made....I cant believe its 'BUTTER'...Get it?