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February 19, 2017
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"The only way the judge will let me have custody of the boy is if I show I have a substantial income. Unfortunately my job is selling homemade artisanal paper towel"

I have some absolutely terrible news. Last weekend I found out that my wife of 18 years, Morica, has been having an affair with the Mayor of our city for 9 months. She says that she is in love with him and he says that having sex with my wife is what has made him make such good decisions about keeping our city clean and safe. Now, they are trying to get full custody of our son, Callen, even though I love him. The only way the judge will let me have custody of the boy is if I show I have a substantial income. Unfortunately my job is selling homemade artisanal paper towel. It is not lucrative and I need your help. Please buy my paper towel so I can keep my son.
I know what you’re thinking, “Why would you go into the homemade paper towel business? That clearly isn’t a product that needs to be small batch. People want to buy paper towel cheap and fast!” That’s a good point and I wish I thought of that years ago but I’m in way too deep at this point. I’ve made so much fucking paper towel in my ranch style home and have no idea what to do with it. I need to sell this paper towel so I can make $85,000 a year and keep the rights to my son, Callen.
I have tried everything. I have sold the paper towel out of my car. I have stood outside the Pathmark on Central Park Avenue on the ridge next to McDonald’s trying to sell the paper towel. Callen even had a bake sale fundraiser at his school Iona Grammar School in New Rochelle, NY and I tried to sell the paper towel at it but nobody bought it. I am out of options. I need you to buy my homemade paper towel since my wife is fucking the mayor and wants to keep me away from my son forever. That is the situation I am in.

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