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June 21, 2012

A Guide to Excessive Alcohol Consumption

Drunk Scale

Stage 0: Sober (Like an eight year old before a championship soccer game)

Stage 1: Not Sober (Blood alcohol level speaking, but in reality you still feel exactly same)

Stage 2: Pretty much sober (Sort of feel it, like a fly on your t-shirt)

Stage 3: Buzzed (Feel it, but critical thinking still a possibility)

Stage 4: Slippery (Butterflies are flying through your veins delivering warm happy goodness to your brain)

Stage 5: Feel it (Driving still an outside possibility, but chances of forgetting to turn the headlights on are high)

Stage 6: Drunk (Slurring words here and there; stupid pick-up line brainstorming kicks into 5th gear)

Stage 7: Fucked Up (Use of awful pick-up lines like “I feel like everyone at the party is only talking to me because I’m Lebron James” are executed to no prevail; vision, hearing, and speaking abilities severely impaired)

Stage 8: Shit-Housed (Find out the hot girl you just spat pick-up line to is an Oak Tree you just pissed on in the backyard. Pants feel damp, but the two surely aren’t connected)

Stage 9: Blacked Out (Mooning the girl you scouted out earlier in the night seems like a solid way to seal the deal)

Stage 10: Lights off (You’re a mummy, passed out on the couch with writing all over your face and piss still on your pants.  The only thing you scored tonight was a Facebook friend request from a guy named Allen who you talked to for an hour while blacked out)