Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 28, 2016

The Bachelor franchise leftovers go to Paradise to get drunk together, fight, and bang out.

Going to have to start with Ashley CrI’s intro. She’s dressed as the Virgin Mary while a gong noise plays?

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In case we haven’t given you the lucky seven concussions by knocking you over the head with the fact that Ashley I. is still a virgin, HERE IT IS!

Anddddd we’re back in it with Ashley CrI as she sobs at Jared.

Vile Nick Viall: “I am certain that Ashley’s gonna go home. I mean, what guy here would want to watch her talk to Jared again and cry and still hand out a rose to her?”

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Nick: “I’m sick of seeing it. I think everyone else here is probably sick of seeing it.”

Ashley CrI’s lipstick and injections form the perfect storm as she continues bawling to Jared: “I’ve never felt this for anyone, the way I feel for you. So it’s hard to let it go.”

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Ashley CrI: “Especially when there was some sort of glimmer, so I guess the glimmer really made me hopeful that like, one day there would be, and there’s just not.”

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Pro Tip: Glimmer is the new euphemism for Second Base now.

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Jared: “I should go home. I sincerely do not want to be here for any more time… It’s so unfair for us to be having this conversation right now.”

Even with how the mysterious physics of how time flies in Paradise, I still can’t do it.

Jared: “If you were always going to have feelings, then how did you expect yourself to get over me in Paradise when you knew I was gonna be here?”

Ashley starts wailing again: “I hoped that I would like someone more…”

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Ashley CrI: “I don’t think I’m going to find someone like you. Every time you walk out of a room, I miss you. Nothing makes me happier than being with you.”

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The fucking happiness and pure delight of being with you is pouring out of my eyes and all over my face. It’s bursting out of my lips for Christ’s sakes!!

Jared: “Ashley, I like Caila. You can look at me all you want but it’s the truth. Like, I think we’ve had many conversations about this and like, I’ve been as blunt as I possibly can. I do care about you but not romantically. I’ve made that very clear for a very long time.”

For the 1 millionth time, looking at me doesn’t unmake you a delusional and uncontrollably sobbing virgin.

Ashley CrI: “Are you sure you don’t want to be with me ever? ”

But like, by “you don’t see me romantically” you mean “not romantically YET, right?!”

Jared: “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. I gotta go. We can’t keep doing this.”

Ashley I cry-groans into Jorge’s face.

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Sorry, does that mean Margarita?

Jared pulls Caila aside to reassure her again he likes her even though he’s been gone with Ashley CrI for a while. Ashley CrI is LITERALLY sobbing in the background of their whole conversation.

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Yeah, no seriously, she’s a fucking whack job.

Ashley to Jorge: “Seeing the person that you love with someone else is probably like the greatest pain you can experience. I would rather be in like, a body cast right now than to have to see what I see.”


An Artist’s rendition of Ashley I’s body cast @BachelorClues

I get so tricked. Are they making it like Ashley’s crying loudly in the background or is she actually crying right next to Jared and Caila’s conversation?

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Both the Bachelor producers and I truly believe all of these shots are necessary.

The pizza is back. Josh moans while he eats it. The Twins Irish step-dance.

Carly finally succumbs to Stockholm syndrome and confesses her love for Dick Pastor Evan: “I like you and it took me a while to get here. I feel dumb for like figuring this out now. I’m sorry.”

You really are…

And finally, the kiss none of America has been waiting to see.

Is that… are you… vomiting– SHHHHH…

Dick Pastor Evan and Bachelor Nation can’t believe his luck. Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “Shut the front door!!

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Dick Pastor Evan’s confessional: “What a ride! And to think all it took was faking an injury… Holy shit. Come on baby!”

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Carly’s like OK enough kissing, let’s watch and see who wins Daniel’s rose: Sarah, Ashley CrI, or the Twins.

Damn Daniel’s confessional: “I’m like the King of the Jungle, President of the States. I’m Gandhi. I’m gonna sit on my throne and going to let them come to me, bringing me grapes and fine cheeses and wines, artifacts, precious golds. So if you want this rose tonight, come to Papa Bear, let’s see what you got.”

As Gandhi once said, “Bring on the artifacts, ya know?!”

Sarah comes to Papa Bear first. She’s made him a birthday cake for his Half Birthday. Damn Daniel: “This is the smartest and coolest thing I’ve seen in a long time. I’m getting kind of turned on right now.” I’m pretty sure Daniel thinks any emotion he experiences means he’s turned on.

They feed each other. Damn Daniel: “I feel so naughty. I need to be spanked.” Sarah: “Would you lick the frosting off me?” Damn Daniel: “Depends if you showered.”

Sarah super passive aggressively states that he’s “the luckiest guy on the planet” and he’d be “a fool to do anything stupid.” Damn Daniel: “This is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done in my entire life.”

Sarah: “Is it even cooked in the middle?” Damn Daniel: “I don’t care. I want to get worms. The worms can go along with my crabs.” Sure.

This grand cake gesture worries the Twins. Twin Emily: “You’ve gotta kiss Daniel.” Twin Haley: “I’m not kissing Daniel.” Twin Emily: “Just give him a kiss on the lips. Just one.”

I get the impression this is not the first time this kind of manipulative sexual shakedown has occurred?

Twin Haley: “I don’t like Daniel like that.” Twin Emily: “It’s a fucking kiss. For fuck’s sake, it’s a god-damned fucking kiss.”

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This is really weird and fucked up.

Twin Haley: “I don’t wanna pretend.” Twin Emily: “You’re not going to get a disease. You’re not going to die. You’re not going to vomit. It’s gonna be great. You just have to do it once.” Twin Haley: “That’s fine. I’ll do that.

TFW your sister agrees to whore herself out so you both can stay on vacay.

Twin Haley: “Daniel is not the ugliest person I ever kissed but I’ll do it to get a rose. I’m slowly gonna be vomiting as I’m going in for the kiss.” Twin Emily: “You will love it and you will swallow it. You take it.”

Twin Haley proceeds with the plan and Damn Daniel falls for it: “When I see your butt I’m like ‘Damn!’ You know? It’s amazing. I want you to know that’s how I feel about you.”

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I sincerely want you to know that they way I feel about you is 100% based on you as a sexual object.

Twin Haley: “To show you that I am interested, I will leave you with that.” She kisses him.

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Twin Haley’s confessional: “I think my sister and I are safe because of these magical lips.” Twin Emily: “How do you compete with a cake?” Twin Haley: “With a kiss.”

A still-sobbing Ashley I. is pleading with Jorge: “What is there that I could do to not go home tonight?”

Jorge, do you like have a rose you could give me? Do they let bartenders have roses?

Finally, Ashley CrI decides to try her tears on a sympathy rose from Daniel.

Damn Daniel comforts her.: “You’ll find someone. Someone better than him .. He’s very ugly. You don’t want to settle for an ugly guy like that.” Ashley sob-groans.

Damn Daniel: “You know, I’ve been in situations where I’ve liked a girl and she didn’t like me back… You gotta be confident in yourself and think, you know, ‘They’re not good enough for me. I want to be with someone that wants to be with me.’ Since you’re a virgin… you feel like maybe you want to wait for the right guy but if you go on a whole bunch of dates, you know, date five guys at the same time. Slut it up a little bit, you know. Say you just fuck ten different guys in a month and have ten different dicks there’s a good chance you might like one of them.”

Damn Daniel’s confessional: “I think a lot of guys would want to sleep with Ashley and the fact that she’s a virgin is always a positive. Why is sleeping with a virgin good? One, she will be– ” The broadcast pretends to cut off with this:

It cuts back in with: “–But unfortunately we can’t do that yet with science.” Favorite quote of the episode.

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Rose Ceremony

Damn Daniel’s hyperboles continue: “I feel like King Kong… I got power like the Pope.”

The Twins are worried which results in THIS magical sequence: Twin Emily (crying): “Seriously, it’s really a shame. Our feelings are exposed at this moment. We’re vulnerable. Haley, what does vulnerable even mean?”

Is that like that down-there-part of a woman…?

“Is my makeup smeared?” “No, you actually look perfect.”

“We’ll be vulnerable. Vulnerable.” “Vulnerable.” “We are so dumb.”

Caila and Ashley CrI COINCIDENTALLY stand next to each other. Ashley CrI dreads hearing Jared give Caila a rose: “I may throw up right into her hair.”

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Ashley’s confessional: “I’m watching really solidified couples give each other roses. They are so perfect together and so in love and I don’t have that. It’s hurtful.”

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They’re HURTING me with their settling for someone who actually likes them back.

Ashley CrI: “Caila’s fake and disingenuous. She smiles when she doesn’t have to smile.”

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She makes fun of Caila for being Asian??

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Jared picks Caila. Ashley CrI: “Literally what I’m experiencing right now feels like a nightmare.”

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LAST ROSE. Damn Daniel: “I respect each and every one of you. I’m glad you’ve shown interest in me and given me a chance.”

But not as much as I respect Twin Haley’s ass. HALEY! C'MON UP!

Sarah and Ashley I. leave.

Sarah: “I’m mad that I put myself through all of it. I took time off and got invested. And I put my heart and soul into it again, again! To get sent home again! I’m a real human being that wants love and happiness and I got played a fool. God I’m so sick of it.”

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Fool me once, shame on Bachelor. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, like, shouldn’t I be disqualified for psychological deficiency issues?

Jared: “Bye Ashley.” Ashley CrI’s limo Cry: “Two days? Why did I come here? So that I could see something and get emotionally wrecked by it and then go home?”

What do you think they wanted you to come in for??? NOT getting emotionally damaged and crying?? Lol!

Jared to Caila: “The first one is always the hardest part.”

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Don’t worry. I’ll gently ease you into the rest of them.

Dick Pastor Evan: “Cheers to surviving!”

Ashley CrI. Returns.

Nick groans, “C'mon Ash.” Ashley explains that she was crying LESS after her conversation with Jared than she was before the conversation so can she come back? The “participants” “vote for her to come back.”

They all chant “yes” like they volunteer as tribute and “allow her to stay.” Why not. There are no rules in a show with basically a random structure. Then Ashley says to Jared, “Just do not do anything in front of me.” WOW.

Carl Enters Paradise

Twin Emily: “Carl is the hottest guy that’s walked into Paradise.”

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “That guy’s not my type, so take him.”

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We shall now call thee Benevolent Ashley CrI!

Carl asks Twin Emily if she has a problem with their age difference of 32 and 23.

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Twin Emily: No problem at all! We’re like a palindome!

Carl: “Age is not an issue unless you’re cheese.” As the old adage goes. Smooth jazz plays as suddenly…

Lamp Brett Enters Paradise

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Apparently he’s the guy from Andi’s season who stole a lamp from the hotel and brought it as a limo arrival gift.

People react pretty strongly to his outfit of jeans and sandals, “Ew.” One Paradiser, however, is super into it. IZZY! Of VIZZY! Of “In it to Vin it!”

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Lamp Brett grabs Caila though.

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UGH. Since when are other people allowed to dole out heartbreak?!

Benevolent Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Maybe I want Caila to go on this date.”

Ashley CrI: “The more Kind-hearted person in me is thinking ‘I don’t want Jared to be hurt by her’ but the Jealous part of me thinks, ‘Wait, there’s still a chance!’”

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Spoiler alert: the Jealous Part of her wins.

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Even though she’s expressed interest in Lamp Brett herself, the opportunity to sabotage Caila and Jared is too strong an urge for one delusional woman to fight. She tells Brett that “anyone’s an option” and to “ask out who you want to ask out.”

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Ask out who you want to ask out as long as their name rhymes with Bayla.

Lamp Brett listens to the most delusional woman of all time and puts Caila on the spot, asking her out in front of everyone. Her instinctive reaction is to please and she says yes.

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If only it were that simple though… Caila pulls Jared aside to talk to him and tries to get him to convince her to stay.

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Jared begs her to stay and even uses the incentive of “covering her in kisses all day”. This temporarily works.

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While they are kissing, Caila expresses doubt, however.

Wait- just- no- just- actually- GET OFF ME I’M NOT SURE!

Caila: “I’m unsure how I feel. I like you but I don’t know.” Now I’m thinking Caila would have been a FANTASTIC Bachelorette with all her indecision plaguing her constantly. She literally has no clue what she wants. I’m kind of having buyer’s remorse about Jojo…

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I mean, I like you, but… can I trust my feelings about liking you to be my actual feelings?

Caila keeps going back and forth and it’s great.

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She even puts Ashley CrI through some emotional turmoil.

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She goes back to Lamp Brett and says she’ll go!

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Who won’t this love journey make vom?!

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Usually when I bring girls lamps it’s a done deal.

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That’s my M.O. sometimes. But sometimes, IT’S NOT! I KEEP YA GUESSING BRETTY BOY, HAHAHA!

Damn Daniel’s confessional: “If I could give Jared advice, I’d say listen you’re a great guy, nice guy. If Caila doesn’t want you, then she doesn’t deserve you. You should just try to be a big dog like me and uh, then maybe we could create a little wolf pack and roam free, and you know, find some little puppies to snag and bring them to our den.” I would ABSOLUTELY watch this wolf pack show.

Jared asks Carly if this is karma for everything he’s done in Paradise. He lists the girls he dumped there: Ashley, Claire, Jubilee, and Emily.

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This is his most Disney villain look yet!

Jared’s confessional: “I’m getting dumped for a lamp.”

Seems about right tho tbh…

Ashley CrI’s confessional: “Seriously that girl has got to be out of her mind to blow off a chance with Jared.”

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Yes… the girl who looks at guys BESIDES Jared is out of her mind…

Booze Cruise Double Date

No one can remember Carl’s name.

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I’ll give you a hint. It’s the annoying AF child on The Walking Dead.

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Carl and Twin Emily are getting along swimmingly on the booze cruise.

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Twin Emily is so enamored by Carl’s hotness that she also forgets his name.

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Meanwhile, Back in Paradise…

Ashley CrI is ecstatic in her confessional.: “Jared’s the new Ashley.”

Yeah… Jared would be the new Ashley if Caila continuously rejects him for a year and he refuses to look at another girl, thinking that his happiness depends on this sole relationship working out. Ashley CrI to Jared: “Are you going to cry? You can cry.” Jared: “Thank you.”

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We ALL KNOW it’s an OPTION Ashley. We just don’t all choose it every fucking second of every fucking day.

Ashley’s confessional: “This is the happiest I’ve been in quite a few months… This is what romance novels are made of! Like, girl likes guy who doesn’t like her. And then comes running back when the other object of his affection goes elsewhere. Like, yes! It’s awesome!”

You know, girl likes guy, guy doesn’t like girl, guy tries to date everyone but girl and fails, guy depressingly slinks back to original girl, defeated. It’s awesome!

Back on the Sexy Boat…

Carl and Twin Emily are dancing. Brett’s confessional: “Carl and Emily, they’re definitely in the ‘Magic Mike’ zone right now. She’s like riding him like Seabiscuit.”

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Twin Emily learns Spanish.

Lamp Brett’s confessional: “Caila looks timid. Maybe this isn’t her scene.”

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Lamp Brett: “She’s not vibing the booze cruise or me.”

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What kind of Sex Panther makes this face in response to a free lap dance?!

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Caila’s confessional: “I know I made a huge mistake.”

Back in Paradise…

Benevolent Ashley CrI. tries to comfort Jared by telling him she semi-seriously thinks Caila is a “back-stabbing whore.”

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The Booze Cruise Crew return and Jared jumps TF up, basically punching Ashley in the face, to go talk to Caila.

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Ashley I. eavesdrops on Caila’s conversation with Jared. Caila realized she liked Jared by going out with Lamp Brett. They reunite.

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Ashley narrates a very sad paragraph: “I’m watching my biggest nightmare. Jared falling for someone else. I can’t believe this is happening. It just doesn’t make any sense. I cannot believe that he doesn’t want to be with me. How can you be so close and so compatible and not be with each other? It’s like you found your soulmate and your soulmate is not into you.”

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Later that night, Lamp Brett tries to feel out things with Haley now that Caila’s run back to Jared. Haley immediately makes it clear that she’s not into Damn Daniel. She tells him “he’s from a different planet. He’s told so many girls that they have great asses and great tits.”

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Damn Daniel simultaneously poses and whistles at Haley. “Yoohoo! It’s bedtime!” Presumably he thinks Haley is going to follow Papa Bear to bed now that she kissed him to save herself.

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Lamp Brett’s confessional: “Haley will be mine. Game over.”

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What game?! All men are terrible.

Ryan B. Enters

Ryan B. from Kaitlyn’s season enters: “[The other guys] are good dancers, they have good jokes. I’m gonna come from this side and I’m just the like, normal guy that has bad jokes, bad dancing, no game and it’ll be different. I think it’ll be refreshing.”

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Ryan B. SEVERELY over-estimating the quality of his competition in Paradise.

I guess Jared was on his season as he greets him: “Welcome to Paradise, bro!”

Jared, why don’t you go beat up some kid from Chino on the beach and then go cheat on your girlfriend some more…

Damn Daniel is not impressed by his new competition. Damn Daniel: “The silver fox Ryan is trying to steal Haley away from the Papa Bear.”

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Ryan B.: “I was between asking Sarah out or Haley.” Jared: “Honestly, I think you’d get along with Ashley I.” JARED!

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My hand’s doing a good job covering up this obvious ploy right?

Ryan B. goes to talk to Ashley I. even though “she has a little Jared baggage.”

Ashley I: “The past year has been tough. The fact that I’ve been obsessed with him if you want to use that word is he’s the entire package. Ugh, I can’t come up with a flaw!”

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You haven’t said the word obsessed but I’ll just say it for you. I’m obsessed. He’s flawless. But yeah, I’m totes open to dating new ppl.

Ryan B.‘s confessional: “Jared’s trying to push me on Ashley to jump on a hand grenade so to speak.”

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Ryan B. asks out his only other choice besides the girl who kept reiterating how obsessed with Jared she is.

Ryan B.‘s Date with Twin Haley

Twin Haley: “I’m a little excited to get away from Daniel. He’s been following me around.”

Ryan B. and Twin Haley go horseback riding. Twin Haley has never been but she loves her horse.

Damn Daniel thinks she went on this date because Haley thinks Daniel is “funny, good-looking and intimidating.” Twin Haley meanwhile, thinks Ryan B. looks like the star of a romance novel on a horse. She herself looks like a complete natural on the horse.

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Meanwhile, Grant takes Lace on a Date

Back in Paradise, Firefighter Grant surprises Lace with a date even though he had NO date card. They’re not joking. There really are no rules in Paradise. Lace: “You know how to make me feel special.”

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Asking a producer to have someone else give me a massage makes me feel the specialest.

Grant: “I realize when I love somebody when I think about it and I tell myself I don’t. I realize that I do. I found myself doing that with you. Because I love you. ”

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My head is saying, Grant, you don’t love her. She’s fucking crazy.

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But my heart the part of me that wants to be famous is saying “I love you.”

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Lace: “Grant! What is it about me that you love?”

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List 7 attributes in fifteen seconds or I don’t believe you.

Back in Paradise…

Izzy reassures Vinny she’s still into him with sexy compliments like: “You’re just the cutest little guy.”

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BUT… Izzy says to Lace: “If I could create some sort of perfect man I would want to be with somebody that looks like Brett. That’s why I got so freaked out.”

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Truly shocking Vinny isn’t your idea of the perfect male specimen.

Izzy’s confessional: “It made me question my relationship with Vinny. I don’t even know this guy. And I feel a little guilt looking at somebody else. But he’s beautiful.”

Izzy: “When he walked in, I almost pissed myself.” Shit herself? Pissed? Either way, Izzy needs new pants and it looks like trouble in Vizzydise.

Izzy’s confessional: “I don’t want to regret ANYTHING.”

I don’t want to leave any stone unturned, any loose ends not taken care of, any dick unsucked, etc.

Izzy pulls Brett for a One-on-One. She explains that she and Vinny have “had a conversation about not going on dates with other people. But when you walked in it made me kind of rethink things a little bit… It’s Paradise. Anything can happen in Paradise.”

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As the old adage about Paradise goes, one minute you can be professing love for the first barber that walks through the door and the next you can totally change your mind for a new hairdresser who walks in with a lamp.

Izzy’s confessional: “I’m not going to sit back and just, like, wait around or settle.”

Izzy pulls Vinny aside: “Did you notice that I was like, being weird today?” Vinny: “I didn’t until you just came back.”

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LOL do I look like the kind of guy to pick up on subtle shit like that?

Izzy tells Vinny that she was 100% with him until Brett walked in and now she’s 75%, a solid C. Vinny: “Wow that really hurts."Izzy truly believes she’s doing God’s work and she’ll be praised for being honest to Vinny about her boner for Brett.

Vinny’s confessional: “I can’t believe she had the nerve to do that. You’re gonna talk to some dude for ten minutes and then you’re just gonna throw everything we have out the window? ‘Cause he’s good-looking with jeans and fucking sandals rolled up? Get the fuck outta here.”

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For fuck’s sake, at least dump me for a dude with tailored pants and close-toed shoes.

Vinny ponders if this is the end of their love story while clutching a giant stick.

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Shall I eschew Paradise for an expedition to newer and more Paradiser Lands?

The Next Day…

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Vinny is upset and tells the dudes.

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Grant furthers the lamp imagery in his confessional: “I guess a lightbulb went on in Izzy’s head.”

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Carly’s confessional: “How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?… You changed your mind solely on looks. It doesn’t say something good about what you’re looking for in a relationship.”

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I prefer to base my mind .001% on looks, 95% on if they make me gag when they kiss me, and 4.009% on if they have any feeble-sounding injuries.

Dick Pastor Evan comforts Carly as shit is about to go down both in the sky weather and the weather in Vinny’s heart. Vinny’s confessional: “Why lead me on? Why?”

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Don’t worry. I’ll keep you safe. Like four of these bracelets have protection charms.

Vinny goes up to Izzy’s loft to talk to her while she’s still putting makeup on. Izzy: “Can I just finish up real quick?”

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Can I just finish up real quick? Lamp Brett really loves a smokey eye.

Vinny waits outside as he ponders if she’s really “In it to Vin it” any longer.

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Izzy needs to have the perfect blow out to dump Vinny and Brett her hair down as we TO BE CONTINUED

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 5

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Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 2

Bachelor in Paradise: Episode 1

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