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August 15, 2017
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In a dramatic escalation of sexual tension with North Korea, the U.S. military launched a Penelope Cruz missile from a submarine in the Sea of Japan.

PACIFIC OCEAN –

Unveiling a secret weapon that has been in development for several years, the US military launched a Penelope Cruz missile from a Trident Submarine toward North Korea, badly enamoring the nation with the beautiful model and actress.

Kim Jong-Un, who was smitten in the attack, vowed to press on with his nuclear weapons development program and not to be distracted by the urge to snapchat Ms. Cruz a cat video in hopes of gaining her attention.

A press release from Pyongyang swore vengeance on the United States for inflicting such heartfelt infatuation on the North Korean people:

The moves of the U.S. imperialists to violate the sovereignty of the DPRK and cause the populace to fall in love with the beautiful actress Penelope Cruz are intolerable. Under this situation, the dear respected Marshal Kim Jong-Un, brilliant commander of Mt Paektu, has ratified a plan for 32 dozen long stem roses to be delivered to Ms. Cruz immediately, thereby crushing any adversary who hopes to win her affections.

— Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Sources at the Pentagon declined to comment on the attack, but were assessing collateral damage from the missile including thinking of Penelope when out with friends, googling her name when you should be working, and posting favorable reviews of The Counsellor on IMDB even though you really didn’t care for the movie.

Although The U.S. military remains on high alert, Secretary of Defense James Mattis said the chances of retaliation from the North for the launch of a Penelope Cruz missile was slim, since the DPRK would not want to risk harming her. And in any event, the US would be ready to counter any actions as they were already arming an Inter-Katy Perry Balistics Missile.

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