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October 01, 2012

A hulking apelike creature found roaming Santa Monica is most likely the bastard child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bridgette Nielsen.

An area man hiking near Sandstone Peek yesterday afternoon got the scare of his life.

After straying from the trail, Jack Randall, 37 of Venice, found himself face to face with what monster hunters believe is “Arnette," a hulking apelike creature thought to forage somewhere in the Santa Monica mountains.

The beast is also known in Hollywood circles as the bastard child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bridgette Nielsen. The most recent "Arnette monster" spotting comes on the heels of Schwarzenegger's auto-biography, in which he admits to an affair with Neilson in 1985. However there has only been speculation about a child...until now.

schwarzenegger and brigitte nielsen 

A wild, apelike beast spotted Sunday is most likely Arnette, the love child of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bridgette Nielsen, above.

“I heard grunting and snarling, sort of like a wild boar," said Randall, who was hiking with his dog. "Then we saw it. 9 feet tall, spiked hair, extremely muscular with a tiny head. It was also drooling quite a bit.”

According to Randall, the mutant was wearing an old Terminator crew jacket and appeared curious, and really dumb.

“It pointed at my feet and said, ‘Boots!’ Then it started giggling and clapping, and ran headlong into a tree.”

Roland McCoy of the UCLA Department of Cryptozoology confirmed that this behavior would be consistent for any offspring of the former Governor and Ms. Neilson.