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September 03, 2015

A judge overturned the NFL's four-game suspension of Tom Brady as a result of the "deflategate" scandal. Here's why. Hint: one of the reasons involves "Gisele" and "heavy petting."

A judge has overturned New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s four-game suspension, which had been imposed on Brady following the ongoing “deflategate” ball-inflation dispute. See below for a list of reasons why.

  • Told the judge he could probably get him Peyton Manning’s autograph.
  • The judge said Brady had been through enough after last month’s horrific courtroom sketch drawing.
  • Promised judge he could watch Tom and Gisele make out (with heavy petting) for 10 minutes.
  • He’s too pretty for bench.
  • A handsome boy is a handsome boy and handsome boys are forgiven.
  • Bill Belichick’s repeated phone calls to the judge, screaming “GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
  • During presenting of evidence, Brady got into opposing lawyer’s head by repeatedly blurting out, "I throw tight spirals” and smugly crossing his arms.
  • Brady knew what he was doing was wrong, but not “NFL wrong.”
  • Handed deflated football to rapper Shyne at the last second. Looks like it’s back to jail for ol’ Shyne!
  • The rousing speech by Brady’s old-time southern lawyer that began, “Now, I don’t know much about big city footballs…”
  • Brady deflated the judge’s gavel, making it impossible for him to call the court to order.
  • With fingers crossed behind his back, Brady told the judge that the NFL stood for No Four-Game-Suspensions League.
  • Whole court just wants to have a nice, relaxing three-day weekend.
  • Reminded judge that football is make-believe and that this whole stupid thing should never have entered the court system.
  • He’s a white millionaire. Honestly, what did we expect?
  • Because you basically have to murder a woman to actually get a four-game suspension in the NFL.
  • The whole thing was decided by a coin toss.