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February 11, 2016

There are absolutely no rumors that this remake of Forrest Gump is happening but that wont stop us from speculating!

Forrest Gump is one of the most beloved films of 1994, but what if it was made in 2016? And instead of being about the 1960s and 1970s, it was about the 2000s and 2010s? Well, you don’t have to wonder anymore because here is the definitive list of 19 scenes that would take place in a modern reboot of Forrest Gump:

  • While wheeling LT. Dan in Blockbuster, Forrest makes a comment that “all these movies should just come to us and not us to them.” LT. Dan later invents Netflix.
  • Bubba won’t stop talking about different life hacks while he and Forrest are doing chores.
  • “Dear God, make me a drone so I could fly far, far far away from here.”
  • Forrest’s boyfriend leaves him for New York where some crazy dreamers want to “camp out. Right on Wall Street, where they can’t ignore us, Forrest.”
  • A Mumford and Sons song plays while Forrest watches Steve Jobs die.
  • Mistaken for a dancer at the Super Bowl 49 halftime show, Forrest is hurriedly shoved into shark costume. “Stand here, no here! On the LEFT.”
  • Jenny starts reading think-pieces on consent and apologizes to Forrest.
  • Forrest can’t seem to write more than 140 characters at a time. Leaves sheet of paper at a group work space where it’s found by Biz Stone who later invents Twitter.
  • Forrest accidentally receives Michael Jackson’s medicine instead of a horse tranquilizer he bought.
  • Forrest tells Thom Yorke, “My mama always says Everything’s in it’s Right Place”
  • Forrest is accidentally present at 38 separate mass shootings.
  • “Life is like a NatureBox. You never know what healthy and delicious snacks you’re gonna get.”
  • Jenny lives a relatively long and healthy life thanks to Obamacare and advances in HIV treatment options.
  • Forrest very actively uses Facebook for a long time and then suddenly and calmly stops and everyone is like “huh?”
  • Someone fucking rips Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. to shreds on Yelp.
  • Forrest figures out that he can increase interest rates on individual credit via collateralized debt obligations that allow for subprime mortgage lending and credit default swapping. Alan Greenspan later tells him at a diner “I see nothing wrong with this idea, Forrest.”
  • Instead of Jenny, Forrest fucks a Fleshlight.
  • Overhearing two Sony executives debating the future of the video game console industry after the success of the PlayStation 3, Forrest asks “what’s a PlayStation … for?”
  • Forrest accidentally invents Qdoba after throwing a dog into a wood chipper.

Illustration By Gregor Louden