Full Credits

This satire stands on the shoulders of all satire that came before it.

Stats & Data

May 29, 2017

I first heard about about Scientology’s TV channel in a "non-satirical” way at: http://tonyortega.org/2017/03/29/scientology-tv-its-really-happening-spectrum-cable-blocks-out-a-channel-for-miscavige/

As L. Ron Hubbard was quick to acknowledge, Scientology stands upon the shoulders of every religion, science, and philosophy that came before it, who, since time immemorial, have all been striving towards the same goal: Flawless application and dissemination of Scientology Technology.

Likewise, Scientology’s twenty-four hour cable channel stands upon the shoulders of every twenty-four hour cable channel that came before it, who, since time immemorial, have all been striving towards the same goal: Flawless application and dissemination of Scientology Technology.

Not only does Scientology have the tools to adapt to a changing world–-Scientology has the tools to adapt dozens of sitcoms, screenplays, and novels, in a converted warehouse staffed round the clock with one hundred Sea Org Cadets newly hatted in Aristotelean plot structure at an undisclosed location in the San Jacinto Mountains.

It is without further adieu that I introduce the SCNTV inaugural season lineup:

[Cheers, Wild Applause.]

“To be…or not to be…” is no longer the question, on “William Shakespeare’s Total Certainty Rundown”. Couple Shakespeare’s Classics with LRH’s advancements in The Tech, and discover Hamlet reaching his full spiritual potential in what was, ultimately, just another play about Body-Thetans.



“Orange is the New Black” is an aberrated statement spreading false data. In “Orange is Orange: Restoring Sanity In the Prison System With Scientology”, that jail will be up and running with Narconon and Criminon. Alex Voss gets her past life gender confusion all fixed with Dianetics auditing while Piper completes a Problems of Marriage correspondence course–on separate course schedules, that is.

[Warm Laughter, Applause.]

“Operating Thetans in America” is Tony Kushner’s “Angels in America"—an America free of irregular sexual practices and disease!


“Pulp Data” will rid “Pulp Fiction” of drugs, violence, and decline. John Travolta helps Uma Thurman access the tools to save her marriage. Marcellus Wallace leaves his life of crime and re-enters society an honest man, thanks to being handed “The Way to Happiness” pamphlet. I’ve told Travolta, if he can’t get Tarantino, it’s gonna be the hole. I direct harassment campaigns, not films. The theater is my home.

[Smattering of Applause.]

The SCNTV “Aliens” franchise ensures that sensitive material regarding interplanetary history and politics will be released at the appropriate OT levels only.

What if “Forrest Gump” had Study Tech? Why, he’d deliver a touch assist to Lieutenant Dan, twin with Jenny on The Purification Rundown so she can get off drugs, and audit out her father’s acts of sexual abuse. Let’s not forget Forrest’s good friend and business partner Bubba.

More than ever, Scientology is poised to deliver The Tech for a prosperous Black America.

Envision Alex Haley’s eight part televised masterwork, “Roots”, with The Tech. In “Roots With The Tech”, Noble Kunta Kinte must save himself from evil slave traders, and fast. So, Kunta practices his Communication TR’s down in the hull of the ship—just like L. Ron Hubbard on The Freewinds. He gets in comm with his captors, teaches them that enslaving your fellow man goes against The Eight Dynamics of Existence, and is released. The biggest debate in our Cadet Writers Room: “But Dave, what’ll they watch for the other seven parts?!”

I’ll tell you what: Kunta Kinte, disseminating Scientology and Dianetics Technology across the Great Terrain of Africa!

There’s nowhere you cannot apply The Tech.

Even our critics have a place, on the “Squirrel Busters Next Generation” reality show—with more private investigators, malware, and forged bomb threats than ever before. On “Squirrel Busters NextGen”, Scientology’s Office of Special Affairs makes the world safe for Religious Freedom and millenials alike.


Don’t have cable? Not to worry. At a moment of pivotal economic scarcity and historically low movie ticket sales, our dozens of empty Orgs positioned strategically across the globe with fully equipped audio visual facilities are open to the public, free of charge.

Perhaps SCNTV’s greatest advancement is that artists will never again have to choose between their craft and their Scientology beliefs.

While the first season of "Squirrel Busters NextGen” will prominently feature Margaret Atwood’s Ethics Proceedings for plagiarizing and misapplying The Tech in “The Handmaid’s Tale”, I am pleased to announce that all Scientology Volunteer Ministers in good standing will have the opportunity to audition for SCNTV’s weekly hour-long original Utopian Victory: “The Handmaid’s Science of Survival”.

[Cheers, Wild Applause]