Need to know where your dead friend went?
This psychic will charge you $550,000 to find out!

A New York City psychic took $550,000 from a client after promising to reunite him with a dead woman. The psychic pleaded guilty to larceny charges this week. Should the victim have known that this was a scam? This itemized bill sent by the psychic to her victim explains.

$10 — off-the-street psychic reading, special deal with 50% off coupon!
$200 — tarot card reading, concluded in suggestion to contact dead woman
$500 — attempted contact of dead woman via crystal ball
$500 — attempted contact of dead woman via crystal ball, second attempt after first didn’t work
$2,500 — candles, incense, maroon velvet pillow, gold-coin-patterned silk scarves, and other very necessary dead-conjuring paraphernalia
$700 — attempted contact of dead woman via palm reading, even though this is not how one contacts dead people
$500 — deluxe, limited edition ouija board with gold-plated planchette
$1,000 — attempted contact of dead woman via ouija board
$1,500 — time spent watching all episodes of The Mentalist for tips
$300 — tape recording of “spooky sounds”
$2,000 — attempted contact of dead woman via seance
$14,000 — attempted contact of dead woman via seance, additional charge for seven friends and family members who were required to attend
$30,000 — seance room rental charge, Jersey City Marriott Courtyard
$1,000 — seance food spread — bagels, cream cheese, OJ, and fresh fruit
$15,000 — hush money, friend who was questioning everything — especially “spooky sounds” — at seance a little too much
$1,300 — Stephen King novels
$90 — electric bill for neon sign, “psychic readings!” with drawing of half-moon
$1,000 — lottery tickets, no winners :(((((
$2,500 — auditing of psychic class, required for boning up on dead-woman-contacting skills
$100 — cat food for Mystery the Cat
$2,000 — cool psychedelic pentagram art by legit artist
$100 — dictionary to look up meaning of the word “psionics”
$350 — coffee and candy bars and cocaine, to stay awake in case dead woman makes contact, which probably won’t happen because she’s dead, but hey, you never know!
$100 — cat food for Mystery the Cat
$85,000 — psychic college, including tuition and room and board
$1,000 — psychic college textbooks, 1st semester (Fundamentals of the Occult 5th Edition, Telepathy Workbook, So You Wanna Be A Psychic!?)
$500 — beer
$200 — toga
$1,500 — psychic college textbooks, 2nd semester (Tarot Card Reading: A Heuristic Approach, Scams and Other Cool Psychic Secrets, History of Film)
$3,800 — medical bill for Mystery the Cat, stomach pumping after he ate some incense
$2,000 — psychic college diploma, displayed prominently for you to see
$10,000 — sitting around and listening to you bitch cry about the dead woman and then giving you completely made-up, bullshit explanation for why we can’t contact her, which you totally buy
$25,000 — celebrity hang-out with Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium, won at auction
$3,500 — parking tickets
$200 — parking ticket incurred when paying other parking tickets
$42,000 — “incidentals”
$750 — time spent watching The Brady Bunch episode reruns, just for fun
$40,000 — diamond ring from Tiffany’s, great for wearing when you’re contacting dead women
$4,200 — spa day with the girls!
$13,000 — cash
$2,800 — burial fees for Mystery the Cat
$300 — pear gift baskets from Harry & David
$2,700 — purebred Cocker Spaniel, tan
$11,000 — U.S. dollar bills
$3,300 — suspicious mole removal
$10,000 — legal advice from Miss Cleo, via 1-900 number, just in case
$210,000 — just stealing some money from this dumb idiot at this point
TOTAL = $550,000

Please remit payment to: Pricilla Kelly Delmaro, Totally Real and Authentic Psychic — see aforementioned psychic college diploma.