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December 15, 2017

We couldn't read his lips, but we did the math.

After the Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Los Angeles Lakers on Thursday night, LeBron James extensively exchanged words with Lonzo Ball, covering his mouth with his jersey to hide it from TNT cameras. What was he saying? We listed ten of the most likely possibilities below.

1) “I am absolutely disgusted that net neutrality just got repealed. Unless Title II rules are restored, ISPs are going to exploit their new power to prioritize their enrichment over the open internet we enjoy now. But higher costs for consumers may not even be the biggest casualty of this development… It represents a threat to our very democracy as we know it, and is a potential slippery slope to full-on information censorship, as is the case in authoritarian governments like China and Russia. Is that really the type of country we want to live in?”

2) “If you mention any Star Wars spoilers, I’ll fucking kill you.”

3) “I still haven’t gotten my ticket for the royal wedding, and to tell you the truth, I’m pissed. Did you get one by chance?”

4) “You see that polar bear video the other day? Brutal stuff, man. We need to do something about climate change.”

5) “I can’t believe The Simpsons predicted the Disney purchase of 20th Century Fox nearly twenty years ago. Those guys are geniuses, man.”

6) “That new planet NASA discovered is wild. They’re saying it could be a big step toward discovering alien life. I really hope they find some during my lifetime. We can’t really be the only ones out there, can we?”

7) “How much longer do you think [Rex] Tillerson has?”

8) “Alright, I’m going to lift my jersey up over my mouth to talk to you for about 20 seconds, which will send Twitter into a frenzy. Naturally, everyone will speculate this means I’m going to sign with the Lakers next year, but we all know that’s not true, given your team’s lack of experience and the stacked Western Conference. It’s fun playing gullible fans like a fiddle though, and honestly, creating storylines out of the smallest, dumbest things like this has turned into somewhat of a hobby of mine. Alright, peace. Oh, and your dad needs to chill.”