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August 15, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In an interview, Jeremy Renner called reality TV stars the Kardashians "ridiculous people with zero talent." "Not so fast, Hawkeye," said Iron Man, Captain America and Thor.

In Germany, a fox helped three kangaroos escape from a zoo. The last time Germany saw such a daring escape, it was during the...oh...this is awkward.

Merriam-Webster added the word "F-Bomb" to its dictionary. Country of origin? The United Effing States of America.

The Northern California home of Steve Jobs was robbed. Which is crossing a line, even for Samsung.

Researchers in Japan have found mutated butterflies, a result of last year's nuclear accident. Researchers say they're particularly alarmed since they have yet to find any mutated lizards that will defend Tokyo against the butterflies.

During a speech in Virginia, Joe Biden said Mitt Romney and Wall Street are "going to put y'all back in chains." A ridiculous assertion since a free market system would have trouble profiting off of slavery again unless some decent tax breaks were offered.

In response, a member of Mitt Romney's campaign staff called on President Obama to denounce the remark. Adding, "We ask this of you, oh, mighty, dressy-casual sorcerer."

Following CNN and Time, the Washington Post said it will punish Fareed Zakaria for committing plagiarism. At this rate, many wonder if he will ever awkwardly try to smile again.

"Game of Thrones" author George R.R. Martin recently attacked efforts by Republicans to change voting laws. His argument was made even more compelling because he was having sex at the same time.

"The Price Is Right" is currently searching for its first-ever male model. "I knew I took these shirtless photos for a good reason," said Bob Barker.

At a campaign event, Obama bought beers for 10 people, making a point of excluding a person holding a Mitt Romney sign. "But you asked me to hold this," said Joe Biden.

An Australian man is upset after flight attendants forced him to move into a seat away from an unaccompanied child. In all fairness, Australians are known to attract dingos.