Hi there, I’m Samuel L. Jackson. Actor, philanthropist, and all-around bad-ass mother. Time for me to weigh in on some opinions that people have. Because people are entitled to their own opinions, except for when they’re dumbasses and they’re wrong! We gonna fix that.
THE ISSUE: New York Times critic A.O. Scott didn’t like my movie “The Avengers”, claiming that “its failures are significant and dispiriting.”
WHY YOU’RE WRONG: Hey! How about shut your face up! I already told A.O. Scott to shut up and he still didn’t shut up! Here’s a tip: If you’re going to get into a vocal disagreement with a man, don’t make it with a man who has made a career out of screaming! Don’t bash a movie about superheroes because I can assemble a crack team of them to break your face! How dare the "New York Times " diss “The Avengers” right after they saved their damn city! Didn’t you watch the damn movie? This is real! A.O. Scott, the only thing I like about you is that it’s fun to say your name in my voice! AY-OH SCOTT! Now shut the fuck up!
THE ISSUE: Criticism of Lena Dunham’s HBO show “Girls”. To quote one reviewer: “The problem with 'Girls' is that while the show reaches -- and succeeds, in many ways -- to show female characters that are not caricatures, it feels alienating, a party of four engineered to appeal to a very specific subset of the television viewing audience, when the show has the potential to be so much bigger than that.”
WHY YOU’RE WRONG: Hey! That’s enough chatter from the Peanut Gallery! Now shut the hell up! “Girls” is some damn fine sardonic commentary. Lena Dunham? Well, Lena Dun-made a better show than you ever could! So shut the eff up! I’m going to break your laptop in half and wear it like a hat!
THE ISSUE: North Carolina seems to be of the opinion that same-sex couples should not be allowed to get married. They then become the 29th state to ban it.
WHY YOU’RE WRONG: Well, well, well. Look at the big brass balls on NC. You have the audacity to make this announcement even after Barack Obama became the first sitting president to support same-sex marriage? I’m beginning to think you’re just playing hard to get. Mitt Romney says he doesn’t support gay marriage, but he does support the right for them to visit each other in the hospital. Well, am I allowed to visit HIM in the hospital? Right after I rip off his hairpiece and shove it down his throat?! Grow the fuck up, NC. It’s 2012. Remember, we have another Carolina too, so I have no problem chopping you off and pushing you into the ocean!
THE ISSUE: Three different men seem to be of the opinion that my “Pulp Fiction” co-star John Travolta made sexual advances towards them.
WHY YOU’RE WRONG: Eh, listen up. John Travolta don’t like to be fucked by nobody except Kelly Preston! So shut your mouth in an upward fashion! Making allegations of sexual harassment towards John Travolta? Wow, way to strike while the iron is hot! Where were you in the late ‘70s, or the mid-‘90s, or not lately is my point? Just shut that asshole you call a mouth! I have had it with these monkeyfreaking snakes on this mustard-flavored plane!
In conclusion, YOU’RE WRONG. You are so wrong. Where do you get off? Remember, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and I’m about to tear you another one.