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March 15, 2011

From the NCAA School of Bracketology’s "Student Course Guide".

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These days if you want to have any success in the job market it’s almost required that you have a post-graduate degree.  Unfortunately, most of them are bor-ring.  Master’s in Business?  Lame.  Ph.D. in English?  Double lame.  However, with March Madness about to begin, a new field of study has come to my attention—bracketology.  I did a little research and to my delight found out that the NCAA has an entire post-graduate school dedicated to bracketological studies.  Balliiiiiiiin’!

Here’s some information from the NCAA School of Bracketology’s Student Course Guide:

Course:  Diaper Dandinomics


No, this is not the school mascot.  It is a person, and he will be your instructor.

Description:  Taught by legendary basketball analyst/shrieking Muppet Dick Vitale, Diaper Dandinomics focuses on the relationship between a man’s basketball talents and his nearness to point at which he once wore diapers.  This course will teach you skills such as judging age, classifying whether or not a human male is excelling at collegiate basketball, and how to shout yourself hoarse for two consecutive hours while ignoring Jay Bilas.

Pre-requistie(s):  Infantile Language Studies (Baby! Talk)

Course:  Cinderelgebra


Also taught by Professor/Princess Dick Vitale.

Description:  If you like underdogs and simple arithmetic, then this is the course for you (sans the math)!  Learn the basics of how to select a team to be your Cinderella Story in the NCAA tournament, abandon that selection once they lose in the first round, then jump on the bandwagon for a different 10-seeded team that’s one win away from making the final four!  [Note:  This course is not to be confused with Classic Cindereliterature, which covers the written history of teams you wish you would have picked.]

Pre-requisite(s):  Cindarithmatic or Guessing Shit 101

Course:  Final Fourensics Team


Everyone freaks out over the Final in this class.

Description:  The Final Fourensic Team is a competitive speech and debate unit sponsored by the Communications Department, which is the largest department in the School of Bracketology, consisting almost entirely of basketball players on scholarship and drunken frat boys who—as our our dictum states—“like to talk about sports and shit”.  School versus school competitions are held during halftime and post-game interviews of NCAA tournament games, where “students” will employ verbal arguments such as “W’played hard… gave 110 percent,” and “Duke’s number one, baby!  Woo!”

Pre-requisite:  3rd grade English

Course:  Natural Selection Sunday (DarWINism)


Scientists and theologians argue to this day as to which Gumbel this is.

Description:  In Natural Selection Sunday, students will learn the scientific origins and development of teams competing in the NCAA tournament.  Areas of study include:  John Calipari’s Adaptation from Small-time UMass Scumbag to High-profile Kentucky Scumbag; The Athletic Devolution of the Ivy League (Nerds Can’t Play Sports); and Genetic Gumbeling.

Pre-requisites:  Intelligent Play Design

Course:  Regional Geography


The North hasn't gotten this little love since the CMAs.

According the official 2011 NCAA Men’s Tournament Bracket, the United States of America is divided into four regions, all of which are governed this year’s official sponsor, General Motors.  The four regions are the East, West, Southwest, and Southeast.  This description concludes the course study for Regional Geography.  Please use it as a study guide for the upcoming final exam, which will be held after the games are over.  Now get out of the way, you’re blocking the God damn TV.

Pre-requisites:  Did you not hear me?  Move it, the game is on!

My name is t.j .and this blog promotes higher education.

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