The Millennial Humorist
(An Intern’s First Day on the Job At The Biggest New Satire Website)
Alright rookies, welcome to the TheMillennialHumorist.com headquarters. My name is…I dunno…Blahhh. Blah Bleeblah. Or as you probably know me…@Blah_Bleeblah1234 on Twitter/Witstream/FunnyOrDie (and no I’m not hooking you up with an invite to be a Witsream Aristocrat…I’d be kicked out just for mentioning it to them). You are now part of an exclusive club of elite new age humorists like myself. I am young(but all my cardigans are vintage). Most people(my parents) would see me as a guy who has plugged away for years and years to become established as a funny person, but it’s totally easier than that.
You see, back in the day(who cares), funny people(now old irrelevant people) had to spend weeks, months, even YEARS toiling away at their craft; doing stand-up at hole-in-the-wall dive bar comedy clubs developing genuinely side-cracking jokes that everyone thought was hilarious in hopes that they MIGHT get noticed by the club owner who knew a guy who knew another guy who was a writer for SNL. We here at TheMillennialHumorist.com say FUUUCK THAT! That would take forever! Here’s how we do it..
First thing you have to do is strip away every shred of what you once considered your identity. You used to wear tennis shoes? What the fuck are tennis shoes? You will now wear only vintage logging boots from JackThreads.com. You wear contacts? Go kill yourself. You now wear 14 pound wayfarer RayBans with a 2-inch-thick rim. You live in Georgia??? Are you’re saying you’re racist and you banged your cousin? Is that what you’re telling me??? No. You live in NY/LA…those are the only cities that still exist after the established creative people shamed the rest of the country into destroying themselves.
Next you have to craft witty jokes in response to every current event. Turn on the news. Are women upset about something?? Bam. That’s all you need to know. Feed them supportive anti-sexism humor and do it quick! Before they think you’re sexist too! What’s that?? A cop shot a black guy? Was the cop also black? Yes? Disregard. Move on. Gotta stay on top of this stuff, rookies. It’s all about projecting, projecting, projecting! Dig down deep into that white male-guilted angst of yours to really pander to the masses. You’ll get hella-retweets. Not really into political humor, you say? Last week our former lead writer Josh posted a photoshopped picture Chris Cristie masturbating while eating a doughnut and now he’s the lead writer for The Daily Show!
Sound exciting? Good. Ok newbies, report to your quaint trendy cubicles and watch Netflix or something…I have lots to do…I’m working a new post of 47 funny puns about deflated NFL footballs. Welcome to TheMillenialHumorist.com!