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October 03, 2014
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Uber is growing by roughly 50,000 new drivers a month. Here are some ways for it to expand even further.

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Uber, the popular and often controversial rideshare service is growing by roughly 50,000 new drivers a month in cities nationwide. Here are some ways for it to expand even further:

  • One free ride for anyone who takes a shit in a Lyft.
  • Forget where customers say they want to go. Take them someplace better.
  • Give drivers little backstories like the American Girl Dolls.
  • Get some sucker to order an Uber to the moon for a billion dollars then fucking cash out.
  • No longer allow drivers to brutally attack customers with a hammer unless it’s their birthday.
  • Rally political support to eliminate the many taxi monopolies across the country and go with one big monopoly instead.
  • Allow frequent Uber users to unlock secret racetracks like “Dinosaur Highway” and “Rainbow Road.”
  • Add a service where, for the duration of any stoplights, a driver will cut your hair.
  • Use reverse psychology by actively telling people that Uber doesn’t want their business.
  • Partner with Tinder so that users can swipe through a variety of drivers to find the hottest one.
  • Cut off everyone’s legs.
  • Make it so surge pricing now comes with a free Surge Soda! Remember the ’90s?
  • Unveil new "UberPG” service where you can call a car and have actor Paul Giamatti ride around in the backseat with you.
  • If four or more customers agree to share a van ride, Uber will find a mystery for them to solve.
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