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June 20, 2014
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A parody of the James Bond movie "Skyfall"

Skyfoul

(A parody of Skyfall)

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(James Bond appears to the sound of blazing horns,blurrily and with jazz hands. He enters a room in Istanbul filled with dead and dying bodies).

Bond: (on microphone) The NOClist – I mean, the hard drive with all our agents’ real and code names on it –is gone. Plus, Agent Ronson is bleeding out here – I’ll care for once and try to help him.

M: (voice in his earpiece) Just let him die and get the job done!

Ronson: (spitting blood) It’s all right – I’ll be the next on a long list of those who curse M with their dying breath.

(Bond goes outside and is picked up by Eve in a car, where they pursue the hit man throughout Istanbul)

Eve: Witty banter.

Bond: Trying to focus, sweetcheeks. Ooh, coppers have joined us in the chase. Always exciting.

(They all crash into fruit stalls. The hit man steals a convenient police motorcycle, while Bond finds a separate convenient motorcycle to follow him. He starts it and immediately crashes into Jason Bourne and Aaron Cross on their motorcycles)

Bourne: Hey – this is my chase route!

Cross: No way, I booked this city weeks ago!

Bond: Move along, pale imitators,this is my franchise.

(He chases the hit man across the roofs of the Grand Bazaar, upsetting locals and centuries-old architecture. Eve maneuvers them to fight on top of a moving train and follows them in her car. The mayhem continues, with Bond getting shot at one point and ripping a train car apart with his sheer awesomeness at another)

Bond: (bleeding and strolling past the train passengers) As you were, good people.

(He and the hit man get back on a different train car roof and fight some more, with Bond almost getting the hard drive as they travel through countryside and tunnels. Eve sets up her sniper gear to take out the hit man)

M: Don’t hesitate to win glory,girl, shoot him!

Eve: All I’ll hit is Bond!

M: You heard me.

(Eve shoots Bond by accident; he falls off the train and into a handy river)

Bond: Whyyyyyyyyyyyy??????!!!!!(splash)

Eve: Oops. He’ll never sleep with me now.

M: (looking out the window at the London rain) And another addition to my failures. Why is it whenever I’m tough I’m always so wrong?

(Bond floats through a waterfall and rapids, slamming into rocks along the way, until he is rescued by the giant hand of the opening credits)

Bond: What, it’s been 50 years, isn’t it about time that James Bond sang his own theme song? No? Jolly good.

M: (writing Bond’s obituary) “He lived. He died.” That covers everything, I should think.

(Meanwhile, a not-yet-dead Bond gets busy with some nameless woman on some nameless island. He looks at himself in a mirror as he pops pills)

Bond: Right now, killer, you look extremely old.

(In a crowded bar, he plays a drinking game with a scorpion)

Bond: I wish the scorpion would win.

(Meanwhile, M and Tanner are summoned to meet Mallory, a new suit in the Foreign Intelligence section of British Secret Service)

Mallory: (to M) You’re basically fired, but with much more money.

M: Never! I still have my wits about me!

Mallory: I can’t recollect a single good move you’ve made in this series.

M: You’re nothing but a common usurper, rival M.

(On the way back to headquarters,she and Tanner receive a message that they have been hacked through her own office computer, leading to part of the MI6 building blowing up)

M: Hmm – is it possible that this is aimed towards me?

Tanner: The “I HATE M” screen crawl may point in that direction.

(At the island Tiki bar, Bond sees a perfectly timed newscast that MI6 was ventilated)

Bond: Guess this debauched party’s over, then.

(M looks guiltily over the flag-draped coffins of those killed in the blast. She goes home and finds Bond waiting for her in the dark like a murderer)

Bond: Hope you don’t mind that I cleaned out your fridge.

M: A ghost! Oh, you just didn’t shave. Now that you’re unsurprisingly resurrected,go find whoever blew up the office, there’s a good boy.

Bond: Need to pass evaluation. Plus, all my stuff’s gone.

M: It’s in storage and you have no home – seeing as you were, you know, dead.

Bond: Can I crash here?

M: I don’t even let my own family crash here. Go find a hotel room or homeless shelter – I really don’t care which.

Bond: You know, I’m starting to realize that you’re not a very nice person.

(Bond is taken to the new MI6headquarters in Churchill’s bunkers)

Bond: This feels so undercover,so, “We’re going to war!”

Tanner: Doesn’t it, though. Time for your workout.

(Bond works out while Tanner updates him. He kicks Tanner and the doctor evaluating him out after chin-ups)

Bond: My bones! My spleen! My feet! My chin! My hair! I might as well die.

(At a shooting range, he misses the target)

Bond: No, I’ve got this. (His hand shakes and he hits Tanner) Just keeping you on your toes, bro! We’re done here.

(Eve brings him to his psych evaluation)

Eve: Hiya, handsome.

Bond: Ah! Get away from me!

Eve: Would “sorry” be insufficient?

Bond: Nah, I can’t stay mad a tyou. Not everyone’s suited for fieldwork, you know. And when I say“everyone,” I mean “women.”

Eve: Repartee, parry, strike!

Bond: Eh. You’ll do for getting to first base only, I suppose.

(In an interview room)

Psychoanalyst: Say random things in this word association test and you may just find yourself committed to a mental institution. Work?

Bond: Play.

Psychoanalyst: Boss?

Bond: Hate her, hate her, hate her!

Psychoanalyst: Movie title and childhood home where you grew up an orphan and were turned into the soulless killing machine you are today?

Bond: And now I saunter out.

(He does so towards the two-way glass where M and Mallory are watching. Bond holds the backs of his hands up against the glass, raises his middle fingers, and leaves)

M: He’s not as classy as he was in the Sixties.

(Bond faces his reflection in a mirror, then does some surgery on himself to get leftover shrapnel out. He gives the pieces to Tanner for analysis)

Bond: Just a chance to reference another Bond movie title – for her eyes only.

Tanner: I got it.

(Bond goes into M’s new office,where Mallory also is seated)

M: You passed all your tests,hooray! Now get back to work.

Mallory: Not so fast. I think this whole section should be shutdown so the loss of code names would be a moot point – because they wouldn’t exist.

Bond: I pray I never have to work for a pencil-pusher like you.

Mallory: You’ll find out later that I’m more badass than you think. You two, however, are dinosaurs. (Exits)

Tanner: If you’re interested, I have three people those bullet fragments tattled on. (Shows M and Bond photos of nasty characters)

Bond: (points to no-longer-nameless hit man Patrice) That guy! Can I go kill him now?

M: Get some intel from him on where that hard drive went, then by all means, kill away. Wait for supplies from Q first, though.

Bond: Drag the rising action out some more, why not?

(Bond goes to the National Gallery for his covert meeting. He is admiring an Impressionistic painting when a child sits next to him)

Q: I like the visual metaphor of old things getting dragged to a garbage dump. On that note: geeks rule the world now.

Bond: How old are you?

Q: Six and three quarters. Have I got toys for you!

Bond: No brat is going to show me up. What’ve you got?

Q: Passport, your classic Walther PPK also tricked up to be a fingerprint gun, and an SOS ham radio.

Bond: That’s it? Couldn’t you pinpoint this guy by satellite and shoot him from the sky for me, while you’re at it?

Q: I’ve gotta do your job,too? Get moving, old timer.

(In Singapore. Bond does a few laps in a hotel pool)

Bond: At least I have some free time to feel exhausted and cut. (He receives a message that Patrice is in town, so he goes to the airport disguised as a limo driver to try and pick him up. When his sign saying “Hit Men Welcome” fails, he follows him to an office building and watches him murder the guards) Smooth work. I should ask him for some tips. (Bond enters the building, kicks the bodies aside, and rides Patrice’s elevator up the hard way. Patrice chooses to ignore the faint screams he hears below him. After they get out on a really high floor, Bond watches Patrice cut a hole in a room’s window and setup a rifle, while across the way a man is escorted by huge men and a Bond Girl to view a painting. Bond continues to watch as Patrice shoots the man in cold blood, then decides to attack him. They fight artistically silhouetted until Patrice naturally is thrown out of the now-broken window and is hanging over the side of the building, with Bond holding his hand to keep him from falling)

Bond: Who’s your boss?!

Patrice: I’ll never speak in this movie! (Slips from Bond’s grasp and down to the far-away pavement)

Bond: Drat – that one I was trying not to kill right away. (Looks out and sees Bond Girl Sévérine watching him) I’ll catch your act later, my sweet. (Looks through Patrice’s assassin kit and finds a chip with “Macau” written on it) Macau it is.

(In Macau, Bond finally decides to shave his ZZ-Top beard when Eve shows up)

Eve: Playful, with ulterior motives.

Bond: Nice. Be a doll and shave me like a good girl.

Eve: I’ll be subservient as long as it’s in a seductive manner where I appear to be in control.

Bond: Makes your spying on me for M sting less.

Eve: Nick. Kidding! Hold still so I don’t cut your throat and kill you again.

(At a casino, they talk to each other through microphones and earpieces)

Bond: Flirt.

Eve: Tease.

Bond: (gives Patrice’s chip to a teller at a window) Money, please. (Gets a suitcase full of cash) Sweet! I’m retiring.

Sévérine: (sidles up to him) I’m Sévérine – buy me a drink.

Bond: Not my style – I prefer my ladies sober. Oh right, you were there when the hit man did the hit, I forgot. So, maybe you’ll tell me without dying first: whom are you all working for?

Sévérine: Someone so mysterious and powerful that you won’t see him until halfway through the film.

Bond: À la The World Is Not Enough, eh? I’ll bite. I’ll also uncover your tragic history so my sleeping with you later and your subsequent execution will register as more than blips on the audience’s radar.

Sévérine: Thanks – you can meet me on our boat. My keepers will try to kill you now.

Bond: I look forward to it.

(The keepers try to kill him, but he foils them with an assist from Eve. He loses the Walther PPK to a keeper who gets eaten by a komodo dragon) Hey! I just got that classic! To quote another great man: Q’s not going to like this.

(On the boat)

Sévérine: He didn’t come,alas. Another sad moment in my horrible life. (Bond sneaks in as she takes a shower) Aaaah!

Bond: No, no, this is supposed to be sexy, not terrifying!

Sévérine: Says you.

(The next day, the boat approaches the villain’s island)

Bond: (sets off his radio transmitter after he goes up to the boat’s deck) What a lovely day. (Henchmen train guns on him) That’s not necessary; I want to be here.

Sévérine: We go to our doom together, my love.

Bond: Says you.

(Their hands are tied and they are escorted through an abandoned town of buildings and bicycles)

Sévérine: He’s so formidable, he can make people disappear into thin air.

Bond: Wow. I can’t wait to meet him – the suspense is killing me!

(She is taken away to be beaten up while he is taken to an I.T. person’s dream (or nightmare) – a room full of computers and wires. He is tied to a chair to soak in the Wi-Fi when an elevator descends at the far end of the room. The doors open to reveal Raoul Silva, dressed as Dr. Frank-N-Furter)

Bond: Oh, the Horror.

Silva: (walking towards Bond) Let me tell you a story about cannibal rats –

Bond: It’d better be a good one –we’re over an hour into this flick, so it’s about time you showed up!

Silva: The rats are us, because we’re survivors –

Bond: Did you rehearse this? The timing from you starting down there to ending up here is perfect.

Silva: Let’s talk about M. You were an absolute failure on all your tests (I steal everything, if you haven’t noticed), yet she decided to literally throw you at me. You must hate her as much as I do right now.

Bond: Eh, the health benefits are good.

Silva: She liked me better, you know. I was better than you are.

Bond: Shyeah, OK.

Silva: Love turns to hate so easily. I used to love her like a mother, and now I want to ruin her life with technology. (Leans in) You’re a pretty boy. Mind if I touch you inappropriately? If you joined me in hating M, we could be an unstoppable team in every way, wink, wink.

Bond: (thinks) All right, I’ll have a go.

Silva: What?

Bond: You talk big, now let’s see some action! I’m James Bond – I’ve slept with everybody! I have no limits and no shame! I even had a round with M, which both of us regret, so pucker up, buttercup, I’m ready!

Silva: You’re disgusting!

Bond: Come on, what’s a little herpes among friends?

Silva: Moving on to Phase 2. (They go outside and see Sévérine tied to a statue. Silva puts a glass of Scotch on her head) Go shoot that glass off her, Deadeye Dick.

Bond: Sure, I should be fully recovered by now. (Shoots and clips her hair) This is so embarrassing.

Silva: (shoots her) Another Bond Girl falls.

(Bond beats up the henchmen)

Sévérine’s Corpse: You couldn’t have done that a minute ago???

(Helicopters arrive to rescue Bond and capture Silva)

Silva: Excellent – I mean,curses! Foiled again!

(They are dragged back to London. M confronts Silva in his plastic holding cell)

Silva: Mummy! I’ve missed you!

M: Who the blazes are you?

Silva: Now that’s just – this is all about us, and how you abandoned your favorite child, and I tried to kill myself with cyanide but instead wound up with bad dentures, and now I want to destroy the world to get back at you – you honestly don’t remember me??!!

M: Nope. You sound like a lot of my favorites. They all get turned over to the enemy at some point. Too bad the cyanide was something else that didn’t do its job properly.

Silva: (cries his teeth out) A man’s best friend is his mother, and you so were not!

M: “Mum” is a sign of respect –it’s not meant to be taken literally. (Leaves)

(In the next room)

M: (to Bond) His real name is Tiago Rodriguez – a pretty good agent until he flipped out. Had to hand him over to China to avoid an international incident.

Bond: That’s a bad habit you have.

(She goes to a hearing with the Prime Minister to hold off her public execution. She sees that the Prime Minister is Dolores Umbridge)

Prime Minister: Ahem! So, M – why are you wasting taxpayers’ money on spy activities that actually are killing innocent people?

M: Drat.

(In the new MI6’s main control room, Q is doing his thing with Silva’s laptop)

Q: Watch me work my genius with code.

Bond: Stepping back, I see that it’s detailing the London Underground. Hey, I just cracked it with my powers of observation. Eat it, younger generation.

(Q unlocks the code, and hatches in the floor open)

Q: Was that supposed to happen,older generation?

(Bond runs back to the holding cell while cyberchaos ensues)

Agent: He’s hacked into our system! Again!

Q: How –? (sees his cables connecting the laptop to MI6’s system)

Silva’s Computer: Thanks – You’re An Absolute Genius!

Q: I’m so fired.

(Bond reaches the cell and sees that the guard has been killed and Silva has escaped through a hole in the floor. He follows Silva downstairs to the tube tunnels)

Bond: (to Q on microphone) How could he be that far ahead of me with not much of a head start?

Q: We all blew this one – shoot through the next door before that approaching train crushes you.

(At the hearing)

Tanner: (reading his computer) Mum, Silva’s escaped.

M: Well that’s just what we need right now.

Prime Minister: Is there something you’d like to share with the whole class?

M: No, we’re fine, everything’s fine!

Prime Minister: I’ll continue,then: you’re an awful spy master, an awful boss, an awful human being, and –

Mallory: I’m siding with M now – let her prove how great she is.

(Meanwhile, Bond bursts through a door in the Underground and makes his way among the pedestrian traffic. Up ahead, Silva is given a package by anonymous assistants and disguises himself as a brunette. Bond is stuck in rush hour traffic and has to hop on a moving train for the second time in this film)

Bond: (making his way through passengers again) Should I pull the emergency brake? Fire my gun into the air? There has to be an easier way to make a crowd obey me.

(He realizes that the train is heading towards Westminster and that Silva is going to M’s hearing. He and Silva spot each other, so they both jump off the train at the same stop. They slip, slide, and fly towards their destinations until Silva ducks away through a side door. Our hero is not fooled, though, and goes through the same door to more tunnels. He catches up to Silva climbing a ladder to the street)

Bond: (turns on the lights) Hold still so I can kill you.

Silva: Nonsense – this is all part of my years-in-the-planning plan, and killing me isn’t one of the steps in it. (He blows up a section of the wall by Bond)

Bond: Missed?

Silva: Not quite. MIND THE GAP!

(He escapes to the street as a train falls through the new hole and nearly crushes Bond)

Engineer: Is this the new extension?

(At the hearing)

M: I would like to close with a poem –

Tanner: Mum, you’ve just lost your audience.

M: Onward!

(As she recites “The Highwayman,” Bond runs through the police-and-ambulance-filled streets. Silva and two henchmen manage to shoot their way into the hearing room right as M concludes her piece triumphantly)

Silva: (bursts in) I move to adjourn!

(He and his men shoot up the place. He almost shoots M, but grimaces at her just long enough for Mallory to take the non-fatal bullet. Bond enters through a side door and passes a gun to Eve, Mallory gets a hold of another gun, and ammunition flies everywhere. Bond shoots fire extinguishers so no one can see when he sneaks M out)

Eve: It’s all right that he gets to be the hero; I managed to redeem myself somewhat.

(Silva is driven to safety)

Silva: All that preparation, and I’ll never again have such a glorious and public chance to slay her! Now what, am I supposed to pick her off from a rooftop? Slip arsenic into her tea? Smother her with a pillow? I want an audience, dammit!

(Bond drives away with M, leaving Tanner behind)

Tanner: I thought I was her favorite! Maybe I’ll go rogue now,too.

(In the car)

M: Are we running away from it all?

Bond: I suppose it’s about time that I personally save your life.

M: It’s in your contract, so you’d better!

(They go to storage and pick up his Aston Martin)

Bond: Isn’t she a beauty. Also has this on the radio. (Plays the James Bond theme as they drive off)

M: Is that you on guitar?

Bond: Yes! And now we’re going to my childhood home – I’ve never opened up like this to anyone before, so feel honored.

M: I feel carsick.

Bond: (on microphone) Q – have Silva follow us without making it obvious.

Q: Why not just wait for him to follow you?

Bond: Because I need prep time and I don’t want our bosses to know where we are!

Mallory: (popping in) Too late,but go with my blessing. You guys rock!

(In Scotland, Bond and M take in the view)

M: Somehow, surrounded by all this nature, I feel incredibly depressed.

Bond: No one wins this one. You’ve ticked off too many people to escape vengeance, and I have no soul.

(They arrive at Skyfall in the middle of nowhere. Once inside the mansion, Bond and M meet the caretaker Kincade)

Bond: (gasps) Sean Connery! The legend.

Kincade: Yes, `tis I, the original James Bond, here to ensure the integrity of the series. I see you have a lovely Aston Martin ready for battle – destroy it at will. Drives Q bonkers.

(They convert the house into one big booby trap. They find a priest hole that will be important and some guns and a knife that will be important)

Kincade: (to M) You know, Jimmy was a cute kid before his parents died on him. Now I see that he’s practically a Terminator.

M: Well, being his substitute mother does let one mold the child to one’s will. I’m always so proud when he registers each kill.

Kincade: Remind me again why I’m risking my life to help you rather than hiding like any other civilian has the right to?

(Bond and M wait for the showdown)

M: Was I such a terrible mother?

Bond: Naw, I just complain a lot.

(They hear a car approach the gate and Silva’s henchmen approach the house. Bond somehow becomes invisible and sneaks to his Aston Martin to have the car shoot at them. They still manage to blow off the house’s door and wreck the place. Kincade gets off a few shots, M uses her traps to get rid of a few, and Bond wipes out the rest of the first wave. M, however, is sideswiped by an assault rifle’s shot)

Bond: Don’t tell me they got you anyway!

M: No, I’m just humiliated by my lack of munitions skills – I wouldn’t even hire me. Although I do have a pain in my side that’s getting worse.

(As they regroup, a helicopter flies in blaring “Ride of the Valkyries”)

M: That was goofy in Apocalypse Now, and it’s even goofier here.

(More gunshots rip through the house. Bond takes out a few henchmen,but is constantly thwarted by the bullets launched in his direction. Silva exits the helicopter and throws a number of mini-bombs into the house)

Bond: (leans out a window) Oy! Debbie Harry! You missed a spot!

(Bond shoos M and Kincade into the priest hole to escape to the chapel in the wilderness, then gets out some propane tanks. He sees the helicopter,directed by Silva, shoot his Aston Martin to bits)

Bond: Oooh,hekilledmycarheissuchalittlebitch!

(He sets his homemade bombs and runs to the tunnel, carelessly leaving the door open so he can dive away from the fireball momentarily. The explosion consumes the house, taking the helicopter with it and singeing our hero, but making for a spectacular scene. Silva and two henchmen survive)

Silva: That was awesome! Although, for a battle so magnificent, the stakes feel so… small.

(He sees M and Kincade lighting their way to the chapel and stumbles after them. Bond pops up from the exit hole in the ground, sees what is happening, and runs over one of the henchmen and then an ice pond to get to them. The other henchman and Silva find him first)

Silva: Wait, don’t move – I’ll get my skates and it’ll be a date! (Bond forces the henchman to shoot the ice so they both fall through) All you had to say was, “No, thank you.”

(Underwater, Bond pirouettes around the henchman until the latter drowns, then he realizes that the corpse may be useful and steals the man’s flare to escape his ice prison. Meanwhile, Silva limps over to the chapel and sees Bond’s parents’ tombstone)

Silva: This is so full circle. “Monique Delacroix Bond” – he’s half-Swiss, too? Rowrr.

(Inside the chapel, M is becoming weaker from the blood loss)

M: Sanctuary at last. (Silva pops in behind her) For the love of – would you go die somewhere already?!

Silva: No, mother! We must die together! It’ll be so tragic, and so romantic!

M: Give me the gun, then – I’ll off us myself.

(She almost kills both of them,but Bond stabs Silva in the back)

Bond: You knew once that knife showed up that it’d have to be used later.

Silva: (Staggering towards him) You can’t kill me – we’re family! Mother, brothers, lovers – they all rhyme! I am you! This is Greek tragedy! Pick a theme! (Falls forward, dead)

M: Finally. (Falls forward, almost dead)

Bond: No, mother! I mean, mum.

M: Yes, you finally understand what “M” stood for after all these years. I am mother to you all, and sometimes mothers have to be cruel to be kind. You’ll thank me when you’re grown up. Although you did all this to protect me, and I wound up dead anyway. (Dies)

Bond: Don’t die now when I finally respect you!

(After her funeral, Bond contemplates life on a rooftop)

Eve: Up for some saucy competition of words?

Bond: Now’s not the time.

Eve: She left you a gift. (Gives him a box)

Bond: Ooh, let me guess, the bulldog from her desk! (Opens box) Yes! I was right! Sigh.

Eve: …So, I left fieldwork and am now doing deskwork.

Bond: Good riddance.

(They enter a familiar-looking office)

Eve: This will be my station. Forever. And if you haven’t guessed by now, my name is Eve Moneypenny.

Bond: What kind of a surname is that? I think someone was having a laugh at your expense, my dear.

Tanner: (enters from an inner office, holding folders) He’ll see you now.

Bond: Oh will he, by Jove? Maybe I’m not ready to see –

Mallory: Bond!

Bond: Yes, sir. (enters the office)

Mallory: Right – fortuitously enough, I can easily be a new “M,” so you don’t have to worry about slipping up and calling me the wrong initial.

Bond: Yes, mum.

M: Hm. Now, here’s your new assignment. (He taps a folder that reads “Tip Top Secret– Classified – Danger!”)

Bond: I feel the cheese creeping in. A male boss, one of the few female agents here now hiding behind her desk – all steps in the right direction:backwards.

M: Don’t hate on nostalgia.

Bond: Speaking of – where was Felix Leiter this time around? Or my shooting at the screen down the barrel of a gun – oh, there it is.

NOT THE END

“My Name is Double-Oh”

(A parody of the song“Skyfall”)

It will never end

This series goes on ad infinitum

It’s bigger than any one man

But for now it’s my turn….

Reboots are the way to go

Now all we need is a Dr. No

Or a Blofeld named E.Stavro

The details will fill themselves in…

My name is Double-Oh

I kill lots of people

But deep down all I really am is lonely

For Your Eyes Only

Your eyes only take me in

From Pussy Galore to Vesper Lynd

Bond Girls to Bond Women

Loved and lost them all, but when I married one

I can Never Say Never Again

License to Kill bad men

At the bidding of M

For Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Makes it all right then

But I’ll never get into Heaven

My drink is danger

My meat is mayhem

No matter who the foe

It will always be me versus “them”

Don’t fall in love with me

For a sequel you shall not see

The Spy Who Loved Me will not escape

With her virginity

In this wild world of spies

Tomorrow Never Dies

But I will endure all trials

And Only Live Twice

Though it’s all lies

It’s a Goldeneye

It’s a Diamond

It’s Royale

I will ride this train until they-ey-ey-ey, ey-ey-ey

Fire meeeeee….

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