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July 12, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A new parasite found in the Virgin Islands has been named after Bob Marley. It's the only known parasite that spawns conspiracy theories after it dies.

People gain more weight after quitting smoking than previously thought, according to a new study. Researchers said they underestimated the appeal of cigarette-shaped food.

Attorney General Eric Holder attacked Texas's voter ID legislation, saying, “Concealed handgun licenses would be acceptable forms of photo ID, but student IDs would not." Texas responded by saying it's not looking to get students to not vote, just for them to buy handguns.

Mitt Romney addressed the NAACP. He began his speech by saying, "You've been a great audience. Thank you and goodnight."

A man accused of being a cook for al-Qaeda is set to be released from Guantanamo Bay. To be fair, his facial hair made him look very suspicious.

Katie Holmes registered with a Catholic church in New York City. The church has become recently popular, adding 100 new members, all named John or Jane McScientologyburgh.

Comedian Daniel Tosh apologized for making a joke about rape during his standup routine. Now your turn, Jeff Foxworthy.

Spain released details about how it will cut almost $80 billion from its deficit. Three words: Let's eat Portugal.

The film adaptation of the final "Hunger Games" book will be split into two movies. Filmmakers say it was necessary to fully explore how each character really wants as much money as possible.

Republicans attempted for the 31st time to repeal the Affordable Care Act. Fortunately if they tire themselves out, they'll have government-provided health insurance to take care of them.

Attacking the Affordable Care Act, Rep. Dave Camp said, “So what’s next? Will they require you to purchase low-fat or low-salt foods or pay a tax because they think it’s good for you?” Obama said that's ridiculous, as he can only get liberals to do what he wants.

Nadya "Octomom" Suleman celebrated her 37th birthday on Wednesday. In related news, happy birthday, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman's vagina--you don't look a day over 96. Oh, you're 58? Sorry.

The captain who crashed the Italian cruise ship in January, killing more than 30 people, apologized but said he wasn't the one manning the bridge at the time. Even worse, he took time to promote his book, "Decision Points," now in paperback.

Actor Channing Tatum will star as Evel Knievel in an upcoming movie. Because when you think of a man with nothing to live for, you think Channing Tatum.