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June 14, 2008


i have been hanging onto the residual scraps of my optimism and hope for a while now. waiting for both to feel as true and fulfilling as they did in my youth. sometimes i sense that i am getting close...but then i sober up and find myself right back where i started. so then i try to settle myself where i am, but as soon as comfort starts to set in something comes along to challenge me or to show me that i've been wrong all along and my place is elsewhere...but i get no hint as to where that is.

okay, that's not true at all, i totally know where my place is, or rather, what life was meant for me. i feel it in my bones. but i won't say it out loud. i'm not capable of that level of honesty because if my idea of what i want for myself doesn't 'stay within the lines' i have to listen to speeches from my 'friends' and other assorted 'loved-ones' about why their ideas for me are best. i surround myself with intelligent and successful people, so they have good ideas and high expectations. i honestly want nothing to do with either of these things. i was happier with myself when i was constantly fucking things up and dealing with the consequences. now i feel like my mistakes teach me nothing because i'm the only one apologizing. and, i'm sorry, but unless i'm raping/murdering/stealing (which i'm not) no mistake has only one faulty participant...it's like poorly behaved dogs...the owner is just as much at fault as the dog. so i get tired of always being the one at fault and/or being the one to face up to the problem like it's mine and mine alone, and i disconnect. i shut down until the situation is so desperate that it kind of implodes on itself and everything ends up back how it started and the cycle can begin again...i hope (less and less each time) for a new perspective or some sort of shift, but it all ends up the same. it's either that or i bury my negative feelings because no one wants to hear me say anything negative about them without me (again) apologizing for saying it/thinking it. i mean, at least just hurl insults back at me like a wounded animal, but for someone to expect me apologize for how they're actions have made me feel...this is ridiculous, even if i am wrong/misinterpreting the actions the end of this converation should be a mutual understanding (or at least the beginning of a mutual understanding) on how to deal with the behavior/emotions/cause&effect stuff...not me saying (basically) "i'm sorry i let you hurt my feelings, i'll never react negatively to you again". so now i just lie. my life is great, i need no assistance.

oh, and also, i've found that letting people know your hypothetical plans is a horrible idea. just horrible. actually, letting anyone know about major life plans who aren't directly involved in the actual plan is a horrible idea. they think that by you mentioning it, you want...no wait...they think you NEED their advice/opinion when really all you NEED is emotional support...just a "good luck" and a "call if you need anything".

it is highly likely that i'm the one in the wrong here. when you look at the facts it seems that way to me... i'm the one who lies to cover up my emotions. i'm the one who is actively anti-social. and i'm the one who intiated most of the emotional distrust i have towards the universe (okay, not the universe...i really want to meet an alien and be it's friend...like, you cannot imagine how badly i want this to happen). but whenever i express my truths to people...ahh, fuck it, it won't make any difference if i finish this rant.

i just want to be alone in the dark until i can figure out myself again...i got lost somewhere and i don't remember the way back at all, but i know that nobody can tell me, and whether they are being direct or abstract about it, they all think they know best (or at least better than me), and they have no problem letting me know (directly or abstractly). and it's constant. in every conversation i have had in as long as i can remember. everything has to end ith purpose/meaning. i'm sick of purpose and meaning. i want nothingness. i want a blank page. i just want silence so i can be the only voice in my head. i just...but i guess that's too much to ask in the Information Age.