By Kaitlyn Blansett
Indiana weather is widely recognized as unpredictable and generally disappointing to its residents, mirroring the relationship my father and I have shared since I was 16. Oh my God, Harold? Is that you? We went to high school together! What a coincidence that you’re reading my posts this week. Oh well, let’s take a look at this week’s weather!
- Cloudy with a chance of snow. High: 4, Low: -7
Today won’t be so bad.Why don’t you go out and take a run with Spot? What do you mean 4 degrees isn’t that warm? After you look at the rest of this week, you’ll be pulling out your speedos on Monday! Haha Harry, you have a pair of speedos? So does my dad! How weird! Oh, you want to go out tonight? Yeah I really don’t have time to commit to anyone right now because of work, but I’d love to get coffee some time and chat.
- Partly Sunny. High: 2, Low:-10
As you read partly sunny, hope fills your eyes and emotion fills your heart. Sun? In this desolate tundra? Sun? Of course I had a great time getting coffee with you, Harry! But remember, padawans, the sun sets at 5:00 PM in the winter. And darkness will soon fill your evening with cold air and texts that never receive responses. Why are we talking about your parents’ middle names? Is this something you could save for someone who cares? That’d be excellent. Thx.
- Mostly dreary. High: -7, Low: -30, Wind chill: -31
Sorry I didn’t return your calls, Harold. I was writing an article. Don your parkas and Innuit names, folks, it’s gonna be a cold one! Look, I was busy, okay? I don’t have a lot of time to talk about how much you love your dog or how cute your nephew is. Everyone loves their dog and everyone has a cute nephew. Maybe instead of sharing this information with me via text you could just post it on Facebook and get the validation you’re actually craving.
- Ice and cold and clouds. High: coffee on Monday, Low: Today
Why in the world would I want to meet your family? I would never introduce you to my family, you psycho. Oh, does that stem from my estranged relationship with my father? I don’t know.I don’t care. I don’t want to talk about it. Oh, I’m being unreasonable because I can’t emotionally commit to texting you back? Maybe it’s because my dad couldn’t emotionally commit to coming to my High School graduation ceremony. But that sounds unreasonable, doesn’t it? You know what’s actually unreasonable? Today’s weather! Why even talk about highs or lows when it’s all below zero and unbearable?
- So I was the only little tap dancing star left after the pageant because my dad never came and my mom left me to go pick up Stanford, our mastiff, from the puppy playground because he doesn’t interact well with his peers but guess what mom—neither do I. And I hated dance class and I hated Stanford ever since you threw him a birthday party on MY 7th birthday. I didn’t even get a cake. You made him a cake out of his favorite treats. You put a candle in a peanut butter sandwich for me and said “Happy Birthday, Kelly.” MY NAME IS KAITLYN. I don’t understand why it’s always been so hard for you to love me ever since I broke our 50”plasma TV. But here’s the thing—I didn’t break it. It fell on me and put me in the hospital for two weeks and when I got home I was grounded for another two weeks. Not that I could do much anyway with two broken femurs. All I’m trying to say is that maybe I wouldn’t be such an emotional wreck if someone had put a little emotional effort into raising their little princess. Because all I ever wanted to be was Daddy’s Little Girl and I don’t understand why that was so hard for my parents
Oh, is that your cell phone number you’re giving me? You actually want to go out again? Oh….it’s your therapist’s number. I should give him a call?