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June 07, 2009


God’s got






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One-sentence poem 38GGGGGGGGGG: Alliteration blurted out during a classroom exercise at a Midwestern seminary by a student who has gone sleepless for 48 hours (prompted by a night of partying at Bazooka’s Showgirls, followed by 40 straight hours of cramming for a divinity exam and writing a term paper, fueled by cupcakes, Cuban coffee, Colombian coffee and caffeine tablets) and has a vision of God as a gigantic, wonderfully-endowed topless dancer who smites Satan (appearing in goat form) by gouging him with Her long, javelin-like nipples, prompting the seminary student to utter the alliteration (and prompting God to scream, “SEXIST PIG!” and slap the student so hard he’s embedded in the chalkboard)

As told to Ivan O’Uris by Arturo Eisenstein-Ivanovitch O’Uris


Background Notes: Arturo Eisenstein-Ivanovitch O’Uris (also known by his initials A.E-I. O’U.) told Ivan about the experience described above shortly after being expelled from seminary school. In 2004, Arturo left his native Luscia, the North Atlantic island where Ivan also had grown up, for the United States to study for the priesthood in the Luscian Offbeat Orthodox Church at an elite seminary in Kansas City, Mo. As with most people ages 18-25, Arturo was abundantly blessed with youthful stupidity and delusions of invincibility, as was clear by his philosophy that he could get the grades necessary to carry the mandatory 3.5 grade point average to maintain his scholarship by spending hours each day at Kansas City area gentlemen’s clubs, scribbling out last-minute term papers and doing 11th-hour cramming for exams.

The strategy backfired on him during the fall of 2006, when Arturo stayed out until 3 a.m. on a Wednesday morning at a Kansas City, Mo., gentlemen’s club, only to realize he had to study for a midterm exam he was supposed to take at 8 a.m. that Wednesday and had to write a 20-page divinity paper for Daily Dining on Divinity is Divine, a seminar-style course that explored the relationship between eating confections and spirituality. Arturo accomplished both tasks, but had to stay up 40 straight hours to do so. When it came time for his Thursday night class on spiritual visions, he was experiencing major hallucinations.

During the class, the professor had the students participate in an exercise in which they allowed themselves to imagine God in various physical forms. The professor then asked students how they had imagined God. One saw God as an oak tree. Another saw God as a bouquet of Shasta daisies. Yet another saw God as a fluffy brown rabbit.

The professor then asked Arturo what vision he had of God. Sparked by his lack of sleep and sugar and caffeine highs, Arturo went into a trance. He saw himself atop a mountain, where appeared a 100-foot redheaded woman who looked like Goddessia Gunns, an erotic dancer who had headlined at the gentlemen’s club Arturo had attended before his studying and writing tear. “Hey, honey, I’m God,” She said.

Then, Satan appeared and began hitting on God, who told him off. Angered, Satan transformed himself into a gigantic goat and tried to attack God, who used Her aforementioned nipples to vanquish him. Wide-eyed, Arturo said, “Wow, God, you’ve got gorgeous, gargantuan goat-gouging gazangas!”

Arturo claims that he then tried to grab God’s breasts and that God called him a sexist pig and then a mysterious force threw him into the classroom chalkboard. Arturo’s classmates claim that the last part didn’t happen. However, they agree that Arturo made a comment about God being a well-endowed woman.

Enraged, the professor told Arturo that his comment was sacrilegious. “Let this be a lesson to you all,” the professor then told the class. “You should feel free to imagine God in various forms, as long as you imagine Him as something warm and fuzzy like a beautiful flower or tree or sweet animal – or as some kindly older gentleman who looks and acts  like George Burns or Morgan Freeman.”

The professor reported Arturo’s behavior to his superiors and Arturo was expelled. Shortly thereafter, he visited Bazooka’s Showgirls, where he talked with an erotic dancer about theology, mathematics and home equity loans. He told her of his recent vision and expulsion. She told him his vision was beautiful and that he should continue his religious scholarship.

Inspired, but unable to get into another theological school, Arturo started his own: the Midwestern School for Liberal Religious Thinking, Liberal Religious Humor and Conservative Financial Planning. Wanting to increase awareness for his school, he turned to his cousin Ivan O’Uris and asked Ivan to help him turn his vision into a poem and share his story. Ivan agreed and submitted it to Mutt Media, which recently agreed to publish it and donate any sales proceeds to Arturo’s theological school.

Arturo has continued to have visions of God. Lately, however, they’ve been along the lines of flowers, trees and bunnies.


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