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December 09, 2016

The Bachelor franchise's most notorious loser is about to meet 30 women whose Instagram fame future depends on them wooing him.

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Despite the fact that we now live in an absolute NIGHTMARE SOCIETY, there is one bright, shining light on the horizon of 2017. Vile Nick Viall, a fame whore who has been about to propose to a woman and then immediately dumped TWICE on national television, is going to be America’s next Bachelor. Lord Harrison giveth like fuck and never taketh away.

Will Nick let his “walls” down? Will he once again reveal his true sociopathic nature in pursuit of fame? Does it turn out he actually just really suuuucks in bed?? All these questions and more will hopefully be answered.


Baby, I don’t even have to grab Mexico’s crotch to get them to build you a wall, I come with my walls included.

30 women will viciously compete in order to settle for The Bachelorette’s leftovers, starting Monday, January 2nd.

The Contestants

The average age of the contestants is 26, 10 YEARS YOUNGER than Nick. I think this is one of the most diverse groups ethnically on this show and one of the least diverse groups in terms of interests. They pretty much all would be a dolphin if they could be any animal, Olivia Pope if they could be a fictional character (ABC must have NOTHING to do with this), and they all get off to the movie Step Brothers.

First up, we’ve got Alexis, who is an Aspiring Dolphin Trainer and who would, of course, be a dolphin of any animal. HOWEVER, if Alexis could be a fictional character she’d be the Little Mermaid, who you might remember chops off her swimming tail THE FIRST FUCKING CHANCE SHE GETS. Really mixed signals on fins, Alexis. The thing she’s most afraid of is E.T., the fictional alien. OK, great, it looks like she shows up the first night dressed as a dolphin.


Step 1 in dolphin trainer career ladder: Show up on a reality dating show dressed in a dolphin’s carcass.

Angela is a model who also fucking loves dolphins. Do these girls know that dolphins rape people?

Her guiltiest pleasure of any kind? “Desserts! Oh, and I lick the popcorn bag too. I’m a weirdo. My brother and I used to do it all the time when we were little. So unhealthy. LOL.” What a weirdo!!!!!!!!


My other guilty pleasure is I once watched a reality TV show. LOL! I’m such a weirdo!

Astrid is a plastic surgery office manager with Andi Dorfman vibes. She gives her height as 5’7 and ½ so you know she’s mature enough to settle down. She also would choose to be a fucking dolphin. She thinks dolphins can rescue lost sailors… Navy seals? Is that what you were going for? Her biggest fear is dying alone and getting wrinkles. Astrid, we all die alone.


I really should get plastic surgery on my name though…

Briana is a terrifying looking nurse who not only would also be a dolphin but also Ariel from the Little Mermaid! Big Ocean is def behind some of these picks.


Brittany is also a travel nurse from Santa Monica.


On my travels I acquired the world’s thinnest scarf!

Christen is a wedding videographer from Tulsa with tattoos on her wrist representing Jesus’s life… So weird someone named Christen from Oklahoma is into Jesus. She looks like Kacie B the baton-twirler.

If she could break any law she would break into the White House and sleep in a storage closet to spy on what goes on. The fuck?? She further explains this lamest of all fantasies by saying she’s into the show Scandal. Ohhhh she thinks the storage closets are the place to bang out in the White House.


If I could break any law I’d want to break into a storage closet in a government building.

Corrine has an online business and would be a cheetah so I’m already liking her just for the fact she didn’t put dolphin. She hates when her date is in love with themselves so I’m sure she’s going to loveeee Vile Nick Viall. She describes Frasier as her guilty pleasure TV show which should be the least guilty pleasure show. That show is amazing.


All these girls look exactly the same. Danielle L owns a small business but the internet says she’s a Chive girl. She uses the phrase “couples goals” so I hate her. She also wants to be fucking Olivia Pope. I honestly feel like the question was phrased, “Of any fictional character who would you be and why would it be Olivia Pope from ABC’s Scandal?”

Danielle L.jpeg

I have a small business and I post pictures of it on a website for guys to jack off to.

Danielle M is a tall nurse whose fiance died. She’s beautiful but she IS only 5 years younger than Nick, so she’s tied for the oldest contestant…

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If Dominique, the “waitress from LA”, could have lunch with three people, living or dead, she would have Chipotle burritos w/ her grandpa, Leo diCaprio, and Jesus. She then says she can’t live without Chipotle. I like her. She would be Olivia Pope. Ugh.


I’ll give you three hints about the restaurant I serve at: Recent health scares, the guac is extra, and it rhymes with Remote-lay!

Elizabeth ‘Liz’ can’t live without the Bible and she doula’ed her sister’s baby. She loves picking her nose in her car and gets angered by golf. She also bizarrely offers up that she’d never want to kill someone which makes me think she’s 100% killed someone.

Elizabeth Liz.jpeg

I pick babies out of my siblings and sins out of my nose!

Elizabeth Not Liz looks like Kate Hudson. She’s a marketing manager from Dallas and her dream is for her kids to go to her high school. Probably a very accomplishable dream. I think she’ll go far based on her face and great name.

Elizabeth TX.jpeg

Hailey is a hot Canadian photographer with a hint of Crazy Lace. She built schools in China and taught in orphanages. Her favorite author is Dr. Seuss.


Oh the places you’ll go! Like to America to date someone famous for being a loser!

If Ida Marie could be one person she’d be Selena Gomez to be able to sing. Yes… the person with the best singing ability of all… If I could be one person for a day I’d be Donald Trump. I’d announce it was all an elaborate piece of performance art to prove how systemic racism and sexism persist today and how much further work is to be done. But yeah, or maybe Selena Gomez.

When asked about her favorite all-time book she only says she “needs to read more books.” She has not read a book. If she could be a fruit she’d be a strawberry because of how sexual they are.

Ida Marie.jpeg

Ida be a strawberry because then people could use me to fuck. That’s what most books are about anyway, right?

Jaimi is a chef from New Orleans. She says she can bench press men with her legs. They do have a mutual obsession with weight-lifting!


OK there are two black Jasmines. Jasmine B’s a flight attendant so statistically if she’s also boring as fuck she should win this season if we’re going with trends.

Jasmine B.jpeg

I’ll ride your d in Ta-coma.

Jasmine G is a basketball dancer from SF. Her dream lunch is with Rupaul, Dave Chappelle and Prince, which I love. She’d be Olivia Pope. She also says she is the girl version of Guy Fieri.

Jasmine G.jpeg

T-E-A-M! Go team! Are you ready?! To ride the bus to motherfuckin FLAVORTOWN!!!!!

Josephine is a terrifying “unemployed nurse” and looks like Kim Zolciak from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Aren’t they ALL technically unemployed at their jobs since they take months off?? She’s 5’7 and ¾. Jesus Christ.


Well, my age is 24 and 5/12, my bra size is a 36-C with a little over-spillage, and two things I could never live without are food and oxygen!

Kristina is cute and has a tragic alcoholic Mom/orphan backstory. I think she’ll go far. She also has the most classic Bachelor job of Dental Hygienist.


My Mom chose alcohol over her kids just like I hope Nick chooses me over all those bad-teethed Mom-havers.

Lacey’s biggest date fear is that the guy will be going on another date right after her. Ummm… Lacey’s currently winning the traditional ‘doesn’t understand the show’ position.


My other biggest fear is that I’ll have to live with a bunch of catty, drunk, psychotic women and be filmed the whole time.

Lauren is somehow the only Lauren this season. It should be noted that her last name is HUSSEY. She would be a dolphin and loves Step Brothers so she met the only selection standards for this season. She works at a shelter for abused women and children.


Michelle is adorable and owns a food truck in Los Angeles.


Alaskan Olivia is super cute but her longest relationship didn’t work out because he was “addicted to pain pills”.


My last boyfriend had serious problems with that sweet, sweet glacier oxy so I’m actually the ONLY one entering a healthier dating environment.

Rachel is a 31-year-old attorney. Is this the first season they’ve let the girls be over 30? She’s worried she’s missed her chance at love. Competing with a bunch of 25-year-olds on this show is SURE to convince her that was a completely misguided fear.


Raven’s gaze scares me. She is from Arkansas and loves Step Brothers. Whoever did the interviews 100% has some sort of financial stake in that movie. If she could be someone else for a day she would choose Jay Z and Beyonce’s TODDLER, Blue Ivy…


If I could be anyone in the world for a day it would be the toddler child of superstars to finally fulfill my fetish of shitting myself in tiny gold pants!

Sarah’s fictional character fantasy would be Olivia Pope or Meredith Grey. Maybe just skip the bullshit and be Shonda Rhimes. She loves how a man named a star after her.


I saw there was a star named Sarah and my boyfriend said, “Yeah I totally got it named after YOU, Sarah. Thus the H.” Isn’t he sweet?!

Susannah is a cute account manager from San Diego. She loves Inglorious Basterds. I want to say she’s my favorite based on almost nothing but she also would be Ariel from Little Mermaid. Does no one remember how horrific Ariel’s journey was???


Taylor is a mental health counselor from Seattle. I hope she stays long enough to diagnose everyone.


Vanessa teaches special ed in Canada and if she could be any fruit or vegetable she would choose an onion because they’re “stable and can be found all year round”.


My best quality is that you can literally locate me in any season. Summer, I’m there. Fall, yup, still existing. Winter, you bet I physically am right here, baby!

Whitney teaches pilates in Minnesota and looks like the chick from Vampire Diaries. If she could be someone else for a day she’d be Gisele Bundchen, presumably just to fuck Tom Brady.

When asked if she enjoys the theater, her answer is that she likes going to movies OR watching one at home! Don’t think she knows what the theater is.


My absolute all-time favorite play is that one where all the dinosaurs chase Chris Pratt.

See y'all January 2nd.

Twitter if you want updates on when I post the recaps: @pacecase

**For new posts, please refer to PopCultureSensation.com**