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January 11, 2016

After Tom Brady admitted he's never had a sip of coffee in an interview, we found there were a few other things the star athlete has never tried.

Star Quarterback of the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, admitted in a radio interview that he has never had a sip of coffee. Just like you’ve never broken into an opposing team’s locker room and stolen a playbook, right Tom? Upon investigation, we discovered there are many other things the world class athlete has never experienced in his lifetime. Here are the top 5.

1. Ice Cream. Turns out Tom is lactose intolerant. On October 19, 2009, after drinking a glass of milk, Tom set an NFL record for most passing yards in any quarter. In a press conference he said, “I wanted to end the game ASAP so I could take a shit. Like a big poo-poo.”

2.Student Life at Notre Dame. It was Tom’s first choice for college, but as we all know, he was Michigan’s backup quarterback. His struggle was depicted in the 2006 movie, Accepted, where Tom was played by Justin Long.

3.Felt the caress and soft touch of a woman. Tom is married to one of the most beautiful women in the world. However, contrary to popular belief, they have a very cold and unaffectionate relationship. Some sources say that Tom is FEARFUL of her, but we all know that isn’t true because he doesn’t smell fear.

4. A regulation sized football. Tom was born with a rare syndrome which prevented his hands from growing after the age of 3. His tiny baby hands can’t hold a regular sized football. Zoom in on all the replays and you’ll see.

5.The Feeling of a Super Bowl Win. Tom has won like a shit ton of Super Bowls, but since he’s a robot who can’t feel human emotions like joy and happiness, he doesn’t know what it feels like to win. The only thing he knows for sure is he will self destruct if he loses. Sidetone: Tom Brady has lost Super Bowls, but is then replaced by smarter and stronger Tom Bradys, which the government holds in secret bunkers just outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico (ahem AREA 51).