My life, as an unemployed American, has been a roller-coaster of debauchery, endless nights of partying, excessive video gaming, chronic masturbation, and overdosing on sodium from copious Ramen consumption. I feel as if I have worked for twenty-two year and I have finally retired from the shit rat race.
Sure, at first I sat back and assessed my life: where am I going, what I will do for money, what if I lose my apartment because I can’t keep up with rent payments, what do I do if the price of Ramen goes up… The list goes on. But then I realized I achieved what people work their entire lives for. Freedom. My father just turned sixty-eight and he still goes to work five days a week, ten hours a day. I would literally rather be stuffed alive by a human taxidermist than have that happen. Literally.
Now that I have accepted my unemployment, I am free to do whatever I want... that’s free. I usually wake up around noon, stumble out of bed and make a fresh brew of instant coffee that I slowly sip out of my Jesus coffee mug. I’ll then check to make sure that my roommates are all gone and proceed to steal their cheese. After that I usually dance around the living room in my kimono until I tire myself out, finally falling asleep on the floor. And my parents say I’ve accomplished nothing… Look at me now!
Granted, I have been banking on the fact that the world is going to end in 2012 so if that doesn’t happen, I’m fucked. Proper fucked. The good thing for me is the instant coffee is always hot and the Ramen tastes like a bountiful roast of synthetic chicken. Only pirates get scurvy, right?
I am a firm believer that each individual’s life is set in stone. That way I don’t have to take responsibility for my current situation. I blame fate. Hopefully all of you other “unemployee’s” out there feel the same. If not, here is one last bit of parting wisdom for all of you stressed about being unemployed: Getting no job is still better than getting a hand-job. Cheers!
- Gooooooo unemployed Alexi O'Hearn