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August 22, 2016

Turns out Todd has been watching Looney Tunes pornos, but I can't judge the man.

1) Now there is some congressman named Halstorm headed to Tween Fest to try and make kids vote for him?

First of all, how in the heck is this Halstrom guy eating SOUP in the back of his limo. I’ve said it on here before, but if I try and take one bite out of an Arby’s while I’m driving I end up with half of it all down my front. I don’t know much about his policies, but anybody who can eat in a moving vehicle and not end up looking like an absolute pig has got my vote.

Anyway once the congressman hears that a recent poll of kids described him as “I don’t like to look at you” he decides he’s gonna head over to TweenFest to try and win over his “future voters.”

I’m no expert, but trying to get teenagers to like you is a fool’s errand, my friend. I love my daughter, Kaitlyn, more than precious life itself and I know for a fact that she absolutely hates my guts. She loves me, like she loves air and the sun and other things that she needs to survive, but she doesn’t LIKE me. Believe me, I’ve tried to take an interest, but there’s only so many times you can hear your little girl call you a “smothering freak” before you give up. So for now I’m just trying to lay low and then make a run at a relationship once she goes to college.

2) Good gravy. Todd Crawford watches sexy Looney Tunes porno?

When Halstrom shows up at TweenFest, he tells Todd Crawford that if he doesn’t let him perform for all of those kids, he’s gonna have the NSA release his internet history and it turns out that’s a bad idea because he’s been watching Wile E. Coyote and The Roadrunner, uh, “getting it on.”

Sure, it’s a little strange to watch a bunch of cartoon animals make love, but I can’t judge the man. There was a stretch when the wife and I would watch “Barefoot Contessa” on the Food Channel and then have ourselves a little “afternoon delight.” There is something about the way Ina Garten oils up a chicken that really got my blood boiling and I’m not afraid to say it because my wife and I were on the rocks for a little bit and that really brought us back.

3) Todd tries to bump Dem Watercup Boyz from the line-up and hoo boy they aren’t having any of it.

I pray to God that these aren’t the kinds of YouTubers that Kaitlyn is watching. These kids have a whole rap about filling their water cups with soda at a restaurant just because they “don’t give a f.” Why is that what’s cool now? When I was growing up the cool kids were into music or sports or cars. They weren’t always role models, but at least they had a GD hobby! Kaitlyn used to love riding horses, but now she doesn’t even want to go to the stables because she told me that she thinks that horses are “lame as hell.”

Anyway, Todd tells Dem Watercup Boyz that he’s bumping them to make room for Congressman Halstrom to do his blues act and they turn right around and tell him that they’re gonna take a pee-pee on him.

Gosh, sometimes I wish I could go back to when I felt like those kids. When you don’t have to think about tomorrow. When you feel invincible because everyday your young body is getting stronger and stronger. When you don’t fear anything because you have anything to lose. I don’t blame you for running away, Todd. I’d run too.

4) Maddisyn is still upset that the Tweens hated her song and now she’s trying to make all the kids throw their dang phones in the dang trash.

I tell you what, I wish Maddisyn would show up to our house around dinner time with that trash bag. Maybe then I could have a meal where Kaitlyn actually makes a little eye contact for once. Wouldn’t that be something, huh?

5) Congressman Halstrom tries to make the kids think he’s cool by playing the blues and all I’m thinking is “good luck with that, brother.”

I may be out of touch, but even I know that kids only wanna hear music that comes out of a computer. I tried to play Kaitlyn some Steely Dan records once, which is the closest you can get to Rock ’n’ Roll made by computers, and she wasn’t even having that. All the music she and her friends like sounds like someone put a fax machine in a fish tank.

6) Dem Water Cup Boys crash the stage and start getting, uh, “inappropriate” with the Congressman’s guitar.

You know, I think that Congressman character is pretty nasty, but I wouldn’t wish being made fun of by teens in front of even more teens on my worst enemy. We tried to have some of Kaitlyn’s friends over for a pool party earlier this summer but had to send everybody home early because my rear popped out of my trunks when I tried a jack knife and those kids just turned into absolute vultures. A bunch of riled up teens is a monster that will not listen to reason, not matter how many times you tell them that you won’t start grilling until everyone settles down. And you’re really in trouble if they manage to start up a chant which is exactly what happens at Tween Fest.

For me, the kids were screaming “marshmallow” ‘cause they thought that’s what my pasty cheeks looked like. And I just had to stand there and take it until their parents showed up. Man, the things we do for our kid’s, huh?

Anyway, if you want to see what all the hub-bub is about, you can watch Tween Fest for free on go90. They got new episodes every Wednesday, which I think is “dope,” even if my daughter says I can’t say that.