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June 25, 2015
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Scientists are now saying that our planet may be on the brink of a sixth mass extinction, which means someone’s gonna have to Hu-Mansplain the situation to Mother Earth.

Scientists are now saying that our planet may be on the brink of a Sixth Mass Extinction, but don’t worry, we humans will explain it to Mother Earth in a way she can understand.


Honey, listen, we know stuff like this probably makes your pretty blue head hurt but we just wanna make sure you understand what’s going on so that you’re not confused going forward. Right now we MAY be on the brink of what’s called a “mass extinction,” which is where pretty much all your animals and species die off because the Earth (you) has let itself go to the point of being no longer livable. And before you accuse us of “victim blaming” or “greenhouse gaslighting,” remember, YOU were the one who kept flaunting all that sweet oil and coal in our faces. Of course we were going to dig it all up and burn it, we’re Man! Look, it’s nothing to get hysterical about so don’t freak out and start calling your sister or cranking the Tori Amos or whatever. Just let us finish.

Listen, sweetie, we know you’re a mother to every form of life on this planet and that’s totally a hard job in its own way, but we have real jobs, alright? We’re Man. We have science journals and the internet and some of us have subscriptions to Time magazine, so I think we know what we’re talking about. And yes, we know that you’ve already been through five mass extinctions in the past but we assume those sorta went over your head since we humans weren’t around yet to explain to you what was going on.

Here’s the deal — and you may want to pour yourself a glass of rosé for this — the fact is that we’re living in a time of very, very elevated extinction rates thanks to pollution, deforestation and other human activity … Picture a high shelf you’d use for holding, say, a favorite pair of shoes — that’s how elevated the extinction rates have gotten. So, basically — and let us know if we’re going too fast — the extinction rates are on par with the level that you would see in a mass extinction, though an actual mass extinction might take many thousands of years to play out. So, you know, don’t start PMS-ing (Plate-tectonics Marginally Shifting) about it just yet.

Shh, hold on, sugar-hemispheres, we’re not done talking. What this means is that a lot of your little pets and houseplants are gonna die. We don’t wanna see any tears though — right now is a time for solutions, OK, honey? Because, you know, I hate to say this but sooner or later your being so unhealthy and out of shape is gonna affect OUR ability to stay with you, like, long-term. That’s not a threat, it’s just a fact. A man(kind)’s got certain needs, like breathable air, for one. You understand, right?

And look, angel, we know we haven’t done the best job paying attention to you and nurturing your needs, but quite frankly, sometimes we don’t know what you want. You just act so crazy. The hurricanes, the mixed signals … It’s like one minute you’re shaking your tight little mountain ranges, just begging to be fracked, and the next you’re acting like a real melting-polar-ice queen. You’re like that Katy Perry song except instead of being hot then cold, you’re hot then hotter, but in a bad way. Does that makes sense?

Anyway, we hope you learned something about what’s going on with your own body. By the way, you have such a pretty surface. You should smile more.

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