Hello! I'm comedian Matt Braunger. You might have seen me on Mad TV, The Late Show with David Letterman, and/or the Halloween episode of iCarly. I'm the guest blogger (or featured blogger?) this week on Funnyordie.
So, to start it off, here is a list of the cats that live on my street, with the names I've given them.
1) Whiny Cat
Status: At large. Typically outside my apartment. Whines all day like she lost her glasses. Regularly fed and cared for, but still wants more. When the new neighbors across the street moved in, they thought she was my cat and I was feeding her bleach or something.
2) Yellow Nightmare.
Status: At large. Eyes like yellow precious gems you might find imbedded in Satan's throne. Typically sleeping, as he is old and has seen more war than you or I will ever know. Has a kindly old owner who dotes on him, so he's good.
3) The Beast.
Status: M.I.A. Hugest cat I've ever seen. Literally the size of a small bear. Disappeared months ago and is currently probably eating a moose.
Status: M.I.A. Probably back in the jungle. For those of you who didn't know, Panthor would crouch along a large branch and give you a small heart attack when you'd go under it and suddenly notice him.
5) Dockworker Jim.
Status: At large. Okay, he's a new one to my street. A round-ish orange cat with a face like Winston Churchill if he boxed instead of ruled England. I love to see him because his expression is always one of "You're fulla crap, buddy." His right eye is literally made of blood. Or is maybe a ruby.
So what else? Time for a plug! What? No, yes. Yes, it is time. Really quick.
I'm recording my debut comedy album for Comedy Central Records this Saturday, February 28th at 7:30 and 9:30 at the Hollywood Improv. Here's the link:
Just enter HAHA for the 7:30 show or JOKE for the 9:30 show in the promo box for up to four free tickets. Thanks for your minute.
Anyway, moving on. Here's a little story from my Mad TV days:
The other day I was involved in the most random thing to happen in the world at that given time. No, seriously. I don't care if you saw an alligator catch a bullet in its teeth. Something more random happened. We shot all day at this rich guy's house for Mad, then went back to the lot. Keegan-Michael Key and Erica Ash and I were sitting in my trailer having a beer, then we decided to take off. We walked across the lot to our cars together. Now, understand that our soundstage is right next door to "Hanna Montana"'s soundstage. Rounding the corner, either Keegan or Erica said something about "Assume the position." At that moment, Billy Ray Cyrus got out of his car in front of us.
"Assume the position?" he said. "I've been in Hollywood long enough to know that one." He then bent over with his hands on his legs and smiled at us. "Billy Ray Cyrus!" I yelled out. He then waved and went into the studio.
So to anyone famous out there, when you say something random and funny after appearing out of nowhere, I will yell out your name to you. Just a heads up.
Thanks for reading and see you tomorrow.