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April 18, 2017

Leaked diary of the Pilot's Wife who wrote that annoying viral blog post about how everybody was wrong to blame United for throwing that dude off the plane.

When the United PR disaster took place, a vast majority of the world was outraged, disgusted and appalled, but not Angelia J. Griffin, aka, the author of the super niche blog The Pilot Wife Life. In United’s publicity nightmare, Angelia, who often refers to herself simply as A Pilot Wife, saw a tremendous opportunity and quickly penned a blog post titled, “I Know You’re Mad at United but … (Thoughts from a Pilot Wife About Flight 3411).” That little post includes not-condescending-at-all lines like"I know you’re all out there screaming that the ‘rules’ are unfair, but I am a pilot wife. I remember 9/11. Do you?“ and has been shared more than ten-thousand times on Facebook.

Angelina was beyond ecstatic when the United story broke. How do I know for sure? An entry from Angelina’s private personal diary recently leaked. Here is the leaked entry:

April 9, 2017:

Dear Pilot Wife Diary,

OMG! The most amazing thing in the world just happened to me. I can’t even believe it! Next to the day my Pilot Husband asked me to be his little Pilot Wife, this is the best day of my life. Here’s the deal Pilot Wife Diary: This little Korean man (or at least some kind of Asian – so hard to tell who’s what type of Asian these days ;) got physically ripped off a United Flight today even though he was a paying customer and, get this, apparently, a doctor to boot! SMH! I literally could not have scripted this any better for myself and my blog – ThePilot Wife Life.

Right now, countless media outlets are spewing all types of hate and outrage at United. But what if … what if somebody comes forward and writes a little ditty in support of United? And what if …what if that somebody happens to have a certain level of expertise, somebody like oh, I don’t know, A MOTHERF$CKING PILOT’S WIFE! Ahhh! Somebody pinch me; I can’t believe this is all really happening! When my therapist suggested I start a blog to help combat the loneliness of always having to share my Pilot Hubby with the friendly skies, I never thought it would amount to anything so meaningful and life-changing. That’s a lie. Be honest, Pilot Wife (remember what your therapist said!), you knew this day would come eventually, you just never had any idea it would feel this good (Like making love to your PilotHusband, only, maybe, maybe, even better???).

OK, focus now, PilotWife, focus. You need to get this blog written ASAP! Timing is everything here. Soon the United Disaster will be old news and folks will be too obsessed with some Giraffe having a baby to give your unique voice the attention it deserves. Obviously, I can’t just come right out and say, ”Listenpeople, I’m a goddamn Pilot Wife and you got it all wrong about United.“ I need to ease my way in, something about two sides to every story, understanding the stupid common people’s outrage, yada, yada, yada. Then I can throw in a personal anecdote for good measure. Oh, that story about having to remove my infant son’s socks for the TSA because they mimicked little baby sneakers would be perfect here (Pilot Husband was fuming over this one). That story always does so well at the Pilots’ Wives’ Meet-Ups.

Finally, I can tie the whole thing together with some facts and information about airplanes that only a Pilot or, of course, a loving and faithful Pilot Wife could ever know. You know, stuff about the fine print and federal aviation regs. Now you have to be careful not to sound too serious here, Pilot Wife. Combine the facts with some of your hilarious sarcasm – a few Ummm, okays here, a couple Pssst!It’s in the fine print there, maybe one of those patented show-stoppers like: You know what? I call bull schnizzle!

If I can pull this off, Pilot Wife Diary, it will literally change our lives. Once the post goes viral, the media interviews will start. Probably local stuff first, but once the world gets a load of this little "spitfire” (What my Pilot Husband calls me when I’m worked up about a cause or an intense blog post), it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m hitting all the biggies – The View, The Chew, Ellen and my favorite, Good Morning America! I’ve always fantasized about being on Good Morning America. I can picture myself shaking Robin Roberts’ hands, her giant, giant hands. If I close my eyes I can see Robin’s massive mitts engulfing my tiny little, Pilot Wife hands. OMG, what if some big Hollywood movie producer buys the rights to my blog and makes a movie out of this littlePilot Wife’s journey? Let’s see if my sister still thinks I’m a loser when that happens …

OK, OK, take a breath, Pilot Wife. You’ve still got a lot of work to do. And when things start to get crazy, you must remember you’re a Pilot Wife first and foremost. Your PilotHusband is a great, great man, but he is just a man, and he might get a little jealous all the success this brings you. And can you blame him? You’re going to be famous! AHHHH! You need to promise yourself right now, Pilot Wife, that no matter how famous you become, no matter how many people refer to you as an inspiration, you will still be that wonderful little Pilot Wife your PilotHusband married. Speaking of which, you’d better hurry up and get dinner made.Your Pilot Husband will be home soon, and you know how much he hates it when his dinner’s not ready. That’s all, for now, Pilot Wife Diary! Talk soon …

– Angelia (A soon-to-be-famous Pilot’s Wife)