Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 27, 2013

A list of ways to tell if your penis isn't in your pants.

1. Someone who doesn’t always jokingly tell you that your penis is out tells you that your penis is out.
2. Someone who always jokingly tells you that your penis is out tells you that your penis is out in a more serious way than usual.
3. It’s raining and your penis can feel the rain.
4. It’s snowing and your penis can feel the snow.
5. It’s sunny and your penis is rockin’ shades.
6. You feel uncomfortable in a room full of swinging swords.
7. A happy oriole perches on your penis and sings you its sweet bird song.
8. The gravely injured pedestrian that you’re cradling in your arms after a hit and run accident uses their dying breath to compliment you on your penis.
9. Your penis is put on the jumbotron at the sporting event that you’re at and wins “Fan of the Game.”
10. A baby elephant mistakes you for its mother.
11. Your penis posts a “Missed Connection” on Craigslist for the woman who you saw on the subway with her vagina out, but didn’t have the guts to say anything to.
12. The mahogany table you just finished polishing has penis smudges all over it.
13. Your penis has wood polish all over it.
14. People are surprised to learn you work in finance.
15. Someone does the “That’s not a knife” thing from that Crocodile Dundee movie, but with their penis.
16. You don’t get the good table at Appleebee’s.
17. Penis Out Magazine calls to say you’ve got the cover.
18. A day trip to the aviary does not appeal to you.
19. You turn at the exact moment someone throws a pinball at your midsection and earn the nickname “Flipper.”
20. Your friends know exactly how much you enjoyed Spring Breakers.
21. You can pick up on all of the more “penisy” notes in today’s popular music.
22. You dunked your penis into the punch bowl of a non-rival frat.
23. Your father, despite being in good health, decides its the right time to give you the penis cover that was once his father’s and will someday be your son’s.
24. People are legitimately interested in what you have to say about penis-related issues.
25. The Catholic Church cancels your visit to Vatican City via an email that contains several winking emoticons.
26. A wayward youth looks you in the eyes.
27. You catch a glimpse of your penis in the antique pewter plate you’re admiring.
28. Your decision to tattoo “Nobama” on your penis is scrutinized.
29. You know which direction the wind is blowing, but not why it does.
30. This guy points at you and says “This guy!”
31. You’re not crazy about the idea of dancing near a cactus.
32. The world no longer passes you by as you remain idle.
33. Your penis is being interviewed by Geraldo Rivera.
34. You’re tempted to re-crotch your dungarees.
35. An Internet commenter thinks your penis is small.
36. Your penis thinks it knows your life.
37. When you gaze into an abyss, it feels kind of sensual.
38. The New York Post is still in business.
39. Someone’s arguing that there’s a method to your madness.
40. You don’t have a bathing suit to shower in.
41. An old lady is taken aback.
42. Her husband shrugs and continues eating his sandwich.
43. Aliens just dropped you off somewhere.
44. Penis: The Musical goes on in five minutes.
45. The person you’re discussing Regis Philbin’s illustrious career with accidentally refers to him as “Penis” Philbin.
46. A short pirate with a great outlook on life places your penis on his shoulder as if it were a parrot.
47. You don’t need a second bookmark to read Infinite Jest.
48. Your penis finds something to be trite.
49. Life is a highway.
50. You just so happen to be standing behind a phallic-shaped object or item whose name is also a euphemism for a penis that comically obstructs everyone’s view of your dong.