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September 18, 2014


I’ve been a professional intimidator for a while now, and also just an around the house intimidator for even longer. I’ve worked security at several places, and I’ve also made my pets afraid of the dark. There are all sorts of settings that intimidation can be used but it needs to be done right, or it can backfire. Like pointing a gun at someone’s head that’s loaded with a flag that reads “bang!” but when you shoot it you realize the guy can’t read so he isn’t intimidated by the flag and you end up in the hospital for having too many holes, or as the doctor called them, “stab wounds.”

A classic go-to intimidation technique is to stare your victim down, and then lift your shirt up to reveal the handle of a gun. Now first off, I can’t stress this enough: make sure you actually have a gun hidden in your waistband! I see it happen all the time and it’s even happened to this old pro a few times. My memory isn’t very good and so to prevent this embarrassing mishap I leave myself reminders when I leave the house. I’ll write on my wrist “have gun” or “no gun” so I can quickly remember before lifting my shirt. With this, you must also make sure to wash your wrists off at night too or you could have conflicting memos that will leave you debating your gun status while your target walks up and hits you in the face. “Just hold on a second while I remember if I have a gun,” I’d say, but bad guys never seem to follow directions. I mean, I know these are bad guys we’re talking about, but this rudeness just makes them “worse” guys if you ask me. A key component to this move is the amount you lift your shirt. Remember to only lift your shirt enough to reveal the gun. Learn from my mistakes and don’t keep lifting your shirt upwards till it’s over your head and gets stuck, and then have to ask the bad guys for help, because they usually won’t.

Another move that can be seen in movies that is really exciting and intimidating is the knife throw. When used effectively, a knife can be thrown while a bad guy is preoccupied doing bad guy stuff (rape, insider trading etc.), and the knife will stick in the wall just inches away from their head or crotch. This is very intimidating, but it’s not as easy as it sounds. One way this can go bad fast is by throwing the knife and hitting the guy in the head or body. Being hit by a knife can cause death or extreme agony, but not so much intimidation, and this isn’t the time or place for a list of effective death and agony techniques, for that you will have to read my List of Effective Death and Agony Techniques. Another way this move can go bad is if you don’t have a backup knife. Having to ask the once-intimidated bad guy for your only knife back so you can scare him with it some more is not only embarrassing, it’s ineffective. Like I said before, bad guys are selfish and mean. They also might laugh as you struggle to pull the knife out from the wall. The total lack of respect can be shocking.

Not all intimidation techniques require weapons. One way to instill fear into your enemies is by telling some brags. A brag phrased just right and told convincingly can make you seem just as powerful as if you were holding a heavy object over your head. For instance, just point at something heavy and say “Hey, I could definitely lift that over my head no problem.” These brags can be very useful to get what you want. By bragging that you once at an entire egg whole, bones and all, to shy your friend Todd away from trying to eat the last piece of pizza because this makes him think your teeth are strong enough to eat egg bones and that you might in turn bite his bones if he reaches for that last piece of pizza. Besides, Todd has had enough pizza anyways.

Here’s another quick maneuver: put on a good skeleton-face mask and sneak up on your whoever you wish to intimidate and yell, “boo!” This works great, especially on small children who bully you at the park. They won’t make fun of you for being scared of the tall slide after they think you’re a skeleton. It can still work on adults too if used right, because skeletons are just plain scary and if someone says they aren’t scared of them they really are scared of them and they’re liars too. Seeing a skeleton mask leaves you petrified and wondering, “where in the heck did all that skin and guts go?” Spooky.

Intimidation is important because it can mean life or death. I once needed to establish my dominance when I had my stint in prison. I had to show all of the other inmates that I wasn’t a guy to fool around with unless it was a mutually agreed upon pillow fight or something. So, I did the textbook move of walking up to the biggest, meanest guy in the prison and tied his shoelaces together. When done correctly, the brute won’t see you knotting his laces together and the next time he goes to walk he’ll tumble to the ground and be left thinking, “Who is this tough guy with such nimble and sneaky fingers? Better not mess with him.” For this to go smoothly, make sure you are far enough away from the guy so when he trips he doesn’t land on you and crush your ribs. Also, be careful because some of these bad guys don’t understand intimidation and after they get up and take off their shoes, boy you better watch out because they will be mad.

I hope this information finds you well and that you learn something from it, unless you are a bad guy reading this. In that case, forget what you just read, this is all just fake and to really intimidate someone you should just handcuff yourself and stand near a police station with a note on your shirt that says what crimes you committed. Stop reading here if you are a bad guy, and good luck intimidating.

(P.S. Suckers!)