We can assure you, these tweets are just resting their eyes.
No one is better at pretending they didn't fall asleep than dads.— Ben Schwartz (@rejectedjokes) December 29, 2015
The balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet except it's my parents yelling at each other because my dad's been taking a shit for over an hour— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) April 13, 2015
Found out my dad is usin this photo i edited of him for his profile pic on a dating site. He said the ladies love it pic.twitter.com/yvRKQGoVEj— #RBLE | Sunny & Gabe (@GabeNiles) March 6, 2016
Dad was super strict. Wouldn’t let me wear any makeup. Sure made it difficult at clown school. Also at my other job, at the clown strip club— Jen Spyra (@jenspyra) January 15, 2016
just witnessed a dad prank his small son by telling him to ask a very life-like statue where the bathroom is— Blythe Roberson (@blythelikehappy) March 20, 2016
my dad asked me to play "Mack The Knife" on his Sonos and i put on "Return of the Mack" instead. classic Sonos dad prank! he doesn't like it— joe mande (@JoeMande) March 15, 2016
occupation: blogger, artist, DJ— BRANDON WARDELL (@BRANDONWARDELL) March 16, 2016
current project: performance art piece where i text my dad asking for money
being a dad is dope cuz u'r just like "i'ma body slam u on the bed a few times then feed u garbage" & u'r a hero pic.twitter.com/9Q3tWVk0ev— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) February 13, 2016
My dad got banned from most the CiCis in Fort Worth cuz he was putting pizza in a suitcase— Victor Pope Jr (@VictorPopeJr) December 8, 2015
My dad used to tell me and my sister that his birthday was two days long and now I can never remember if it's on the 20th or 21st— Vann R. Newkirk II (@fivefifths) September 20, 2015
my dad was a big time dilbert fan and i hope that info puts him on a no-fly list someday— heavy sweater (@someofmybest) September 14, 2015
what if the Disney Princes were 5 wild, free horses who were all my dad?— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) August 2, 2015
if ur dad didn't want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water— treasure✨ (@imteddybless) March 5, 2014
Damn my dad changed my autocorrect settings again pic.twitter.com/BTQw1oqJcD— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) March 28, 2016
i had a rough day today but it's like my dad always said, "thats a push door you fucking idiot"— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 25, 2016
[troubled teen support group]— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) March 23, 2016
"My son won't even call me Dad. He insists on calling me Carl."
That's not so bad.
"But my name is Greg."
I find it kind of funny— Michael (@Home_Halfway) March 13, 2016
I find it kind of sad
That when I say I'm tired
He says "Hi Tired, I'm Dad"
My dad refuses to pay for a calendar and uses whatever he can get for free. This is seriously hanging in his house. pic.twitter.com/raku7JJun9— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) March 6, 2016
haha ew, accidentally called my dad “mom” during sex— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) January 25, 2016
I hate when I get a verified follower and I'm like oooh but it turns out to be my dad who became a pornstar and didn't tell me— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 4, 2016
There's like an 8 foot basketball hoop set up in this Costco & a dad just dunked on it & said "Shaq"— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 3, 2016
DAD: Hey, wanna do a 007 marathon with me?— rachelle mandik (@rachelle_mandik) February 14, 2016
ME: Yeah, that sounds fun!
DAD: I figured we could use some—
ME: Oh God no—
DAD: Time to Bond!
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 19, 2016
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead