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April 14, 2011


Ten of the Worst Movies I Have Ever Seen

(Not necessarily in order)

1) Battlefeild Earth – oh god, the horror. I don’t know how scientologists can still have faith after knowing the man who created their religion also created this horrid mess.

2) Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace - after George Lucas wrote this script he must have said to himself "Wow, this the worse thing I've written since that crappy martian Indiana Jones screen play that would ruin the franchise if it was ever made into a movie.” Pod racing. You now what pod racing is? It’s NASCAR. I’m not gonna watch NASCAR, why would I want to watch this? I would like to petition a name change for this film:
Star Wars Episode 1: The Most Retarded of All the Star Wars Movies, Including the Ewok Adventures.

3) The Number 23 - After watching this movie, I crapped 23 times.

4) X-Men Origins: Wolverine - So let’s make a movie about Wolverine, throw in a lot of gratuitous cameos of other mutants — but let’s twist their personalities and abilities to the point where they are unrecognizable. Also, let’s cast Van Wilder and Charlie from “Lost”, and that guy from the Yes We Can video.

5) X-Men: The Last Stand - There is a US government-supported anti-mutant campaign; Magneto wants to respond to the US government plot violently while Xavier stresses the need for diplomacy; Rogue laments her powers; Wolverine experiences internal strife; and Jean Gray dies at the end. Yup – that’s the basic gist of X-Men 2. Unfortunately, all those things happen in X-Men 3 also. Sometimes it is cool if different things happen in a sequel. The other thing line I really hated occurs in the final battle scene, when Wolverine is about to kill Jean Gray. She asks, “You would die for them?” Wolverine responds with, “No, I would die for you.” Then he kills her. Is it just me or doesn’t it seem nonsensical to say you would die for someone and then kill them immediately afterwards?

6) 300 – Only because everyone on the Internet thinks, “This is Sparta” is a funny thing to say or alter.

7) Balls of Fury – Or as I call it: cinematic swamp ass. Dan Fogler, the most obnoxious, loathsome piece of crap Hollywood has ever shit out of its gangrenous butthole. To say he’s a low-rent Jack Black would be a disservice to cockroach infested, crime-ridden Section 8 housing. Is there a way to DeFoglerize movies? To edit him out and replace him with a giant shitmound or even a box turtle? That man is a waste of carbon. I’d suggest wiping your ass with the film stock if it weren’t such an insult to toilet paper.

8) Paul Blart Mall Cop - I really thought this was gonna be a funny film, if not just mildly amusing. I was sadly disappointed. My fiancé and I left after 32 minutes. There was absolutely nothing funny in that flick. On a side note, Blart sounds like a wet fart or like an Australian slang for vagina (Like a messy lady garden- like Predator’s face if he grew an especially unkempt beard.)

9) The matrix - One doesn't expect much from Keanu Reeves, especially when he's asked to act outside his limited range (that range consisting of Speed's Jack Traven and Bill & Ted's Theodore Logan), and he lives down to expectations here. I was never for one moment in any way, shape, or form convinced that he was at all special, messianic, or "the one."

10) Face/Off - This movie is like a diamond-encrusted, cashmere diaper filled with bloody diarrhea. I mean, right off the bat, John Woo is pissing in the viewer's face with all kinds of unnecessary slow motion, cross-fades, and gay (literally) close-ups of nicholas cage's moist lips pursed on a straw. Every line is an unfunny corny one-liner.