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April 26, 2011

Hey sonny, did you hear the news, Natalie Portman is on the silver screen?

Unless you don’t posses a television (stinking hippie), you may have noticed Natalie Portman has been like a previous co-star, Samuel L. Jackson, on a binge of starring in movies over the past six months. Here is another excruciating rundown to remind you once again that Natalie Portman is in movies:

Dec 17, 2010 Black Swan

Jan 21, 2011 No Strings Attached

Feb 4 The Other Woman (limited release)

April 8 Your Highness

May 6 Thor

May 13 Hesher

However, with a mindset like a young, go-getter porn-star, Portman has decided to not have a break from releasing movies like her initial intention, rather she will be doing the exact opposite, making as many quick movies as possible. Here are the new Portman movies coming soon to a theater near you:

Slap-Wow! - Vince Offer and Portman were both born in Israel, and Vince Offer was able to secure Lindsay Lohan in his last movie. And let’s be real, isn’t it about time that people with roots in Israel get a movie made? The movie is rumored to be about that time Vince Offer got his tongue bit by a prostitute and Vince did what had to be done, you all remember that. Well, Portman has played a stripper, aka a prostitute with more class, and she did some biting in Black Swan (spoiler), so why the fuck not. 

Your High-Ass! - Having worked with two cast members of That 70’s Show recently, Portman might as well work with them all. Next in line, Tommy Chong. Yes, 4/20 recently passed (pun intended, cough cough), but do big-time stoners ever really know what the date is?

W for Wedding - Huzzah, the royal wedding is fast approaching. In a predictable move, Portman decides to portray Prince William citing that she misses the whimsical feeling of wind passing through her bald head while she frolics in the meadows, coincidentally, also a pivotal scene of the royal wedding movie.


Million Dollar Babies - George Lucas’ daughter, that’s one million dollar baby (3,000 million is still part of the million family) is a MMA fighter. Wanting to take out some frustrations on the later Star Wars, Mr. Lucas reunites with Portman, who will be portraying his daughter with a bit of a twist, a big ol’ pregnant belly, boom there’s the other.

Portman also will accept spec screenplays at her email: Portmania2012@hotmail.com. All genres are acceptable (clown-centric movies will be given precedent) and will be financed with a $7 million dollar budget, given an indie film label, and be in theaters by Labor Day.