Budweiser announced that it will now be calling itself “America” through the November election.

And as they stated in a press release:

“America’s No. 1 full-flavored lager is taking its longstanding tradition of patriotic packaging even further this summer by replacing "Budweiser” with “America” on the front of its 12-oz. cans and bottles.[…] These cans and bottles aim to inspire drinkers to celebrate America and Budweiser’s shared values of freedom and authenticity.

— Anheuser-Busch, 5/10/2016

Personally, I think there is nothing more authentically American than a foreign conglomerate labeling one of its products “America” in order to sell more of its product to American consumers.

Anheuser-Busch, the distributor of Budweiser, is owned by InBev, a multinational corporation that resulted from the merger of Belgian company Interbrew and Brazilian company AmBev. Who better to sell a product called “America” to us Americans? And what better way for us citizens to exercise our freedom than to buy it?

America is a great melting pot of peoples and cultures from all over the world; Beer is a fermented mix of water, barley, hops and yeast; InBev brings together investors and currencies from across the globe. America is Beer because Budweiser is Beer and InBev makes Beer and InBev is a corporation interested increasing its bottomline authentically.

America was started when foreigners said, “Hey, I want a better life for myself and my family!” That tradition continues today all over the world, like when you see a t-shirt on sale in Japan that says “America Awesome Money On My Like Like!” or a cafe in Argentina called “America Cafe” that inside only sells yerba mate and matambre arrollado. Those business owners have the freedom to put America on their products in order to attract customers who like America.

Isn’t that what America is, after all? Putting “America” on things in order to improve your personal #brand? That’s what Italian cartographer Amerigo Vespuchi did when he realized that Brazil wasn’t Asia. Even though the land mass already had another name, Amerigo said, “But I bet people might like it better if we called it America, so it sort of makes it seem like it’s a new thing, like a New World almost? Besides, we can overpower the people already here who call it something else, so it’s basically free for the taking!” and all the Europeans were like, America, fuck yeah!”

So this summer, go out and buy some America! Chug America with your friends! Stab a hole in America with a key and shotgun America in your backyard! Pour America into a funnel with an American flag on it, place a long tube on the end of that funnel, and funnel America into your face until you puke! Authentic America! Freedom America! America America!!!

Advertisement
Advertisement