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Published February 15, 2011 More Info »
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Published February 15, 2011
The History of the Snuggie…

             It was back in the middle ages—a time once long forgotten turned short remembered.  The holy crusades were tearing their way through the northwestern portion of the south of the middle east.  A young girl, Felicia Tampon, lived with her small family on the outskirts of Inskirt.  Her mother, a black silversmith from Turkey, and her father, a dyslexic bratender, would teach her valuable lessons about life.

            “Felicia,” her mother said, “when you grow up, people are not going to like you very much.”  “Your mother’s right,” said her father, ”you are not a very likeable person.  And to make matters worse, you have a stupid looking face.”  The painful words of her parents were colder than the breezy night desert air of Inskirt.  She ran to the place she always ran when she was upset…to the tree at the edge of town—the Bergina tree.  She stayed in the Bergina tree until she had stopped crying, and then went back home to bed.

            Felicia always noticed that when she awoke to the hot desert sun every day, she still felt the cold breeze of an unloving family.  She longed for a time where she would be embraced by those who love her so that she could bask in the warmth of a caring and compassionate family. Those dreams would have to be put on hold though.

            One morning she awoke to the sounds of the approaching crusaders.  She knew what they were after.  It had long been Felicia Tampon’s greatest secret…the secret of the Childeria.  They were after her…they had found out that she was the Childeria.  .

            It had long been foretold in the scriptures of the ancient Weenurmen.  One day, they believed, the holy warriors of God would retake the holy lands.  At that time, the birth of a child would symbolize God’s return to the earth from which He had departed many years ago.  The child would be known by two characteristics.  Number one…she would have a stupid looking face and people wouldn’t like her very much.  And number two…whenever you say the word “snuggie” to her, she would immediately get explosive diarrhea.

            The crusaders entered Inskirt and started looking for the stupidest looking kid there.  It wasn’t long before they came upon the Tampon family residence.  Felicia jumped out of bed, put on her white bathrobe and went running for cover.  She fled to the edge of town and climbed up the sacred Bergina tree.  Tampon was up there pretty good, almost all the way concealed…but unfortunately for her, the white belt of her robe was hanging out. 

            The crusaders saw the white string hanging out of the Bergina and yanked on it until the disgusting looking Tampon came out.  They surrounded her so that she could flee no more and with a might unison yell, they screamed, “SNUGGIE!”

            At that very instant, an elephant load of diarrhea went shooting out of Tampon’s butthole.   There was so much poop flying that the back of her robe blew off and she blasted off of the surface of the earth.  This was a doody spectacle for the ages.  When she returned to the earth, the crusaders took her robe as evidence that the Childeria had been born…her backless robe. And Felicia Tampon…well…she was completely covered in poo and was therefore much prettier.  The end.  

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