My name is Connor, and I am a recovering DJ Khaled Snapchat addict (DKSA). It’s been two days since I last watched one of Khaled’s Snap Stories.
My addiction started the same way it does for many DKSA’s. I added the rap mogul to my “friends list”, and it was love at first snap. I can still remember the adrenaline pulsing through my veins when Khaled first introduced me to Chef Dee. Egg whites. Turkey sausage. Wheat toast. And of course… water! I was hooked.
Pretty soon my days revolved around Khaled’s snaps. The first thing I’d think about when I woke up was what pair of slides Khaled was going to be rocking that day. We The Best? Just Know? Another One? Bless Up? It was the only thing that could get me up in the morning.
Eventually, things started to get out of hand. One day I was so engrossed in Khaled’s hammock talk, I spaced picking up my niece from preschool. She waited in the parking lot for two hours. I felt bad, but I couldn’t get enough. I stopped shaving. I stopped showering. In the middle of the night, I would wake up in cold sweats screaming, “Lion!” DJ Khaled was snapping so much that keeping up with him was starting to take over my life. Cocoa Butter. Keys. Dove soap. The Pathway of More Success. Cloth Talk. Apple Ciroc.I could hardly keep up. Who the hell is “they” and why are they so insistent on slowing Khaled down?
So, it’s been two days, now, that I’ve been off the wagon.I’m not going to lie; it hasn’t been easy. I think about DJ Khaled all the time. How’s business? Is it boomin? Is he still up to something? How’s Miami Heat’s Hassan Whiteside? What five entrees did Chef Dee make for lunch? Does D JKhaled actually eat all of that food? I hope he’s been keeping up with his elliptical routine…
You know what? I gotta go. So what if I have a problem! We all have our vices. I haven’t seen DJ Khaled water plants for TWO DAYS and I’m losing my fucking mind! I missed DJ Khaled get stranded on his jet ski in the middle of the night for my grandfather’s funeral. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that.
Khaled needed me then, and I bet he needs me now! Some people can’t handle success. HE CAN!