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Published August 23, 2010 More Info »
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Published August 23, 2010

If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s being confused, especially when it comes to the meaning of words. That’s why I’m wagging a big finger this week at words with multiple meanings.

Our viewers know that we at The Report never use words with multiple meanings because we respect our audience. And if you’re a fan of the show, you’re also aware that we have repeatedly and consistently condemned science for reasons too numerous to count – all of them equally justified. Our current beef with science: too many definitions. It’s confusing and makes it extremely difficult to know which books to burn.

Let’s start with the worst kind of science, the one being force-fed to our children at public schools. You know who you are, scientific method, and I’d bet you dollars to donuts that my Christ-loving soul can kick your deoxyribonucleic ass any day of the week…and twice on Sunday. You’re poisoning the minds of our children and you must be stopped.

And since we’ve already condemned science, obviously we also have to condemn the study of science: Scientology. That’s right, Scientology, you’re in the trash heap, along with your bookworm friend science.

Lastly, Christian Science. We are on to you Christian Science and you are a fraud. There is nothing Christian about you. In fact, our investigation revealed that the word science doesn’t appear once in the entire Bible. So, by definition, you can’t really exist. You are a figment of your own imagination. However, I would like to thank you for calling to our attention that science is found nowhere in the Bible…all the more reason to be a Christian as far as I’m concerned.

Our next wag of the finger goes to the word “clear.” There is nothing clear about you sir. Are you a verb, an adverb, an adjective or a noun? You choose…but we want to know by Monday.

Finally, a wag of the finger to the word “run.” Either I’m running in my stockings or I have a run in my stockings, but not both. Got it?

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