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January 12, 2016

Robert De Niro is sitting near me me on the subway and I can tell...he really doesn't like me.

Oh jeez. Robert De Niro sat next to me on the subway and he definitely did not like me. I wanted to get off as soon as possible to escape the situation. And here I always thought sharing a train ride with Bobby Milk* would be a great experience.

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*source for the use of “Bobby Milk”

4.3 million people ride the NYC subway everyday. How lucky am I that one of those millions of riders is Bobby D* and that he chose to sit next to me? I must be the luckiest boy in Manhattan. At least, I thought I was lucky, until he started looking at me all angry like.

*refer to nickname search

I know what you’re thinking: “Sam, Kid Monroe* always has a sullen scowl.” Not like this, though. Ever since he boarded the train, he maintained an unforgiving, unmistakable, unyielding gaze of pure animosity directed at me and me only. Not like how he looks like in the movies. To make things even worse, in an attempt to salvage scorched earth, I leaned over and told him “I loved you in Goodfellas.” Regrettably, this was my first encounter with a big name celeb in my life. So, in a deplorable attempt to pay Mr. De Niro a compliment, all that my feeble mind could muster was “I love you.”

Obviously, this didn’t help my situation.

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I spread my legs wide to try to avoid the inevitability of him sitting in the only open seat on the train, directly next to me. Oh boy.

I understand‘Dirty Grandpa’ is due to release January 22nd and he must be under a ton of pressure. However, I’m not sure why he would channel his worries into malice and direct them towards me. I’ve always been a huge proponent of his work. I even gave‘New Year’s Eve’ (the 2011 box office flop with De Niro, Zac Efron, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Biel and a collection of other stars) a positive review on my Redbox iPhone app. Like, this guy has no reason to not like me.

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“Go De Niro go.”

The train reached 34th street which was apparently Bobby Milk’s (see the nickname chart above) destination. While still emitting disgust, Mr. De Niro exited the train without saying a word to me. Leaving me in a state of bewilderment. Why would legendary actor Robert De Niro loathe me so deeply? That was the million dollar question.

After some light research and fact checking, turns out, the man sitting next to me was not Robert De Niro at all. The man I had thought to be Bobby D was in fact Bubby Gram, professional De Niro impersonator.

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Honest mistake. Bubby Gram is a real pro.

Here is his website:

But still, why was Bubby Gram mad at me?