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September 18, 2015

There are a lot of options, but only one, final solution

The 2016 presidential election will be the first election I will be old enough to vote in. I’m excited, after all, it’s my God damn American right to vote. Luckily for me, my first time will certainly be special because this election is a big one. We haven’t even made it to the primaries (heck, it’s not even 2016 yet) and the press surrounding the debates and polls has been incomparable to previous elections. We can blame it all on the candidates. Donald Trump, the rich guy with something to say. Bernie Sanders, the truest of all progressives. Hillary Clinton, the girl. Ben Carson, the surgery guy. Jeb! etc.

It’s a pretty intriguing list of potentials, however, I have a different name that’s been swirling around in my head. The name is Hitler, Adolf Hitler.


Now I know what you’re thinking: “Sam, you fuck. You sick, twisted little fuck. That’s not even a joke. That’s fucked. Fuck you Sam. Hitler was bad, plus he’s already dead, you shitfuck.” I know, it would be a tasteless joke to write Hitler’s name in on the ballot. But that’s the thing, I’m not joking.

I think we should elect Hitler President of the United States to bring him out of hiding (that’s right, he’s still alive) then kill him.

Now give me a second to explain myself. I don’t like Hitler. In fact, I hate Hitler and I think it is our responsibility to make sure he really is dead.

Let me give you a little background to my plan. On the final days of World War II, Germany was on the run, causing Adolf Hitler to commit suicide in his Nazi bunker. At least that’s what the Soviets told us. In reality, Hitler’s “suicide” was nothing but a Nazi ruse that the Russians fell for. Overtime, the truth has risen.

“I believe that in April 1945 the real Hitler along with Eva Braun were spirited out of the bunker where they escaped.They did not die, we were lied to, we’re still being lied to.”

— Gerrard Williams, author/historian/truther

After faking his death, Hitler fled to Argentina, according to Gerrard Williams, writer of ‘Grey Wolf: The Escape of Adolph Hitler.’ Williams also believes that Hitler lived to be 95, dying in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-five.


a 95 year old Adolf Hitler (right) posing with is girlfriend (right)

I present an extension to Gerrard Williams’ theory. I say, if Hitler faked his death once, why couldn’t he do it again while in Argentina? I think there is a 125 -year-old Hitler roaming South America. I believe, I’m being serious, I believe that if elected president (by winning the popular vote) a 125-year-old Adolf Hitler would be lured out of hiding. When that happens, we can get a seal team in on his ass to take him out once and for all.
Think about it, the opportunity to be President of the United States would be toogood of an opportunity for Hitler to turn down. Worst case scenario? We elect him, he doesn’t show up, Professor Gerrard Williams and I were wrong and he really is dead. So we have a revote. Best case scenario? We elect him, he comes out of hiding, then we blow him away at the inauguration.

Screen Shot 2015-09-17 at 4.26.59 PM.jpg

This is what it would look like

I don’t think it is that ridiculous to believe Hitler is still out there. It’s a scary thought. Voting for him and executing him on live television would get rid of that scary thought. Or you could vote for Bernie Sanders and live in an America where there is free public college but also Hitler is still maybe alive.