Thanks to the total disintegration of the private life there has never been a time in the history of the world when it was less desirable to be famous than now. And yet, in the history of the world, there has never been a time when fame was more desired. Part of the reason for this is the substandard way in which we distribute acclaim. Fame used to require its recipient do something great – or at the very least horrific – but not anymore. Between online video channels, celebrity news coverage, reality television, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s pussy, and Twitter, there are more ways than ever to become famous for being/staying famous. I made a list of some of them.

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  • The personification of the misuse of the word “situation.”
  • Every set of sisters in Beverly Hills.
  • A pair of boobs.
  • A pair of boobs with a drug problem.
  • A pair of boobs with a drug problem and children.
  • A Canadian boy with a bowl cut who sings like a lady.
  • So much like a lady that upon hearing a song of his I once asked, “Is this Ke$ha?”
  • Ke$ha.

I could go on . . . and I will!

  • Hitler’s artwork.
  • A lip-syncing perma-child doppelganger of the kid from Jerry Maguire.
  • Pregnant teenagers.
  • More pregnant teenagers.
  • Still more pregnant teenagers.
  • The dude that impregnated the teenager whose mom was like a dummy or a Nazi or a Vice Presidential nominee or something.
  • The guard that insulted the chick who’s marrying that guy whose family does nothing except wear fancy outfits and inbreed.

I think you get the point . . . but you don’t!

  • Present-day Hulk Hogan.
  • Present-day Hulk Hogan’s children.
  • Present-day Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife.
  • Present-day Hulk Hogan’s girlfriend.
  • Present-day Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife’s boyfriend.

Can’t stop!

  • A Warlock with Tiger Blood.
  • His hooker.
  • His other hooker.

Won’t stop!

  • An octopus that predicts soccer games.
  • A butterfly that can change storm patterns.
  • A quesadilla that controls minds.

Okay, I’ll stop . . . Nope!

  • Fat middle-aged men that whack tiny white balls with a long, thin stick.
  • Golfers.
  • Dr. Anything-But-Medicine
  • A bunch of doo-doos that resemble the Virgin Mary.
  • A dumpster full of elbows Twit Pic’d by the shitty guy from those terrible movies. Why’d he ever leave TV?

This list could go on for days. Don’t worry, it won’t. But it could. Most often, regardless of my opinion, I can see both sides of an argument. But why anyone would want to be known as the piece of ass who fucked the gross thing or the hop-head who flamed out about the child rapist or the dude Dane Cook Re-Tweeted is beyond me. What happened to putting your best foot forward? People don’t want to be great anymore, just memorable. Remembered as the guy who could fart the alphabet. Actually, that is pretty hilarious. Somebody YouTube that shit!

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Le Petomane, the world's first famous farter.

My name is Ben and I miss “famous” meaning the guy everyone’s trying to kill for his fortune.