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February 06, 2017

I was given an Amazon Alexa for my birthday but I was very disappointed with the product.


My Alexa Kept Demanding Piping Hot Yogurt in My Father’s Voice

I was excited last weekend when my girlfriend of 3 years, Madison, gave me an Amazon Alexa for my birthday. As soon as I opened the box I hugged my girlfriend and rushed to set up my new gadget. As soon as the device was plugged in and ready to go I said proudly, “Alexa, play Bruce Springsteen.” After a silence my Alexa did something that absolutely shocked me. My Alexa began demanding piping hot yogurt in my father’s voice. I was taken aback. “Does everyone’s Alexa do this?” I asked Madison, “I thought Alexa’s voice would be calm and feminine.” Madison simply looked at me and shook her head seemingly as confused as I was. “Alexa, what’s the weather like in Mount Vernon, NY?” I said, cautiously. My Alexa responded in a voice that was so indistinguishable from my father’s that it was as though he was right there in our apartment with us. “I need the yogurt, Jim. Please bring your father some yogurt and make sure it is piping hot. I have enjoyed eating piping hot yogurt lately.”
I unplugged my Alexa and decided I should start the set up from the beginning. Plug in the Alexa, download the Alexa app, connect my Alexa to Wi-Fi, press my Alexa’s “action button”. “Alexa, shuffle the biggest hits of the ‘90s”. A short silence fell over the room. “Playing the biggest hits of the ‘90s” said my Alexa, in the appropriate feminine voice I had seen in the commercials. I breathed a sigh of relief. Then, suddenly, the opening riff of TLC’s “Waterfalls” was immediately interrupted by the voice of John Murtagh shouting, “Jim, please bring me a bowl of plain flavored yogurt and make sure it is scalding hot. I want it to burn my lap and I want it to taste like nothing. Please hurry with my feast.” Madison apologized profusely as I packed my Alexa away requesting a Google Home for our anniversary.