Triumph the Insult Dog, that lovable and verbally abusive hand puppet who fancies a cigar in his mouth, has been called on by the Republican establishment to lead the charge against Donald J. Trump’s quest to win the nomination.
“Mr. Triumph is the one creature on God’s green earth who can stand toe-to-toe with Donald J Trump, and not look like an idiot,” stated Andrew Canard, leader of the Dump Trump Coalition (DTC).
However, no one appeared to have told Triumph that he has been given the job. When asked about the new position he feigned ignorance and wished Donald Trump the best.
“He needs good luck. His boys have already measured their dad’s skin for the lining of their sports jackets. His sons should be on 24-hour surveillance in case they decide to stop pretending to be human beings and get back to slithering human rights violations.”
It is suspected that the Dump Trump Coalition plans to “arrange” that Mr. Triumph will be in the general vicinity of the Republican front-runner and then let the fireworks fly. It is recognized that the strategy is a risky one. It is well known that the insult canine will rhetorically attack at will. However, it is also well known that Donald Trump will be the biggest target in any crowd of idiots. Once Mr. Triumph smells the scent it is hoped that millions of years of evolution will kick in and instinct will take over.
Part of the DTC plan’s success rests on the fact that Mr. Triumph has already encountered the businessman’s supporters and has tasted the Trump brand of hubris and lack of post-secondary education.
“It’s like giving any dog raw meat. Once the animal gets it, they get a hankering for more and more. In this situation, Donald Trump is meat,” Andrew Canard explained.
Reporters have flocked to interview Mr. Triumph now that the plan is public to see whether the canine will go along with the Republican establishment’s scheme.
In traditional fashion, Triumph the Insult Dog gave a succinct response.
“Poops in suits want me to hump a bigger poop in a suit,” Mr. Triumph said. “I’m not humping Donald Trump because I may get one of Ivanka’s STDs.”
It appeared that Mr. Triumph was saying that he wasn’t going after the Republican candidate who is all but destined to get the nomination.
“I keed. I keed. I plan to double bag myself in Ziploc and go full Ron Jeremy,” he reassured. By saying this the canine implicitly acknowledged that the man who insulted common decency was about to get a unique taste of his own medicine.