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May 06, 2017
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After last week's A-plus Snatch Game, this season is heating up.

Ayo homos + allies! After last week’s A-plus Snatch Game, this season is heating up. We are now Cucu-less, but fear not because…

1. I’m The Cucu Now

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Trinity waits no less than four seconds after mourning Cynthia to declare that her’s is now the ass in charge. And not like ‘my ass is in CHARGE,’ like ‘my ASS is in charge.’ The gals gather round and we’re told of this week’s acting challenge…

2. Nine Oh Two One Ho

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This year, we get a spoof of Beverly Hills 90210 with guest judges Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling, who are described as ‘legendary.‘ Peppermint is our team captain and assigns the parts. *Most* of the girls are happy, but in this episode’s casting decision demi-debacle, playing the 'Inexplicably Disappointed Nina’ role is…

3. Aja Ain’t Happy

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Aja is assigned Grandrea Zuckerwoman, a 50-year old pregnant grandma, but she is *not* feeling it and makes the above face that’s a mix of ‘smelled a fart’ and ‘heard your dog died.’ There’s some quibbling! There’s some squabbling! Ultimately, Shea, who has become this season’s tough titty version of Oprah Winfrey, says she’ll switch roles with Aja, thus landing Shea a juicier part and relegating Aja to a mean girl role that’s only in the last scene. What machinations! What drama! Gosh, even the PREP for Beverly Hills 9021-Ho feels like Beverly Hills 90210!

4. Farrah Is The New Kimora (As In Maybe Functionally Illiterate)

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For all y'all who were missing Miss Kimora ‘What’s An Adjective’ Blac, Farrah serves you some ‘Corks? Quirks. Quarks? Quirks. Are You Sure That’s A Word?’ realness for your nerves!!!

5. The Queens Rehearse

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Our legends are actually GREAT coaches. They’re on point and constructive but also shady as hell, shooting all kinds of ‘W-T-Fuck’ looks that are perfect fodder for that heavily used woodblock SFX. Right out the gate, Nina struggles, but obviously she handles it well. JK JK JK, she gives a lot of attitude and Jennie Garth seems (correctly) concerned that Nina hates her (she does). When Aja finally gets to her scene, she too struggles. Watching someone get what they thought they wanted and knowing it’s not what they wanted before they do is like some Hitchcock version of Shadenfreude and I’m living for it. But perhaps most wonderful of all is that this challenge means a return to one of my favorite weekly segments:

6. Is This An Amy Sedaris Character?

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Trinity slays this challenge! She’s very funny + perfect casting + looks like some of my mom’s Florida friends. Valentina also puts in a great performance in a vapid virgin part that seemed to require no acting.
This week’s runway theme is ‘Big Hair Everywhere’ and, yes, the hair is big and, yes, it is everywhere. This was a fab runway, so let’s recount all the looks and see just how BIG and just how EVERYWHERE that hair WAS!

7. Valentina!

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This is the Diana Ross Flower Child look we never knew we needed. Valentina’s beat is always on point, but we really gotta give it to the hair. It’s so big! And, gosh, it’s everywhere!

8. Farrah Moan!

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I’ll admit, the Vegas showgirl looks don’t always do it for me, but this one really pulls it all together! I love the sequins, I love the feathers, though I think what we have to talk about is the hair. This hair is very big. In fact, I’d say it’s so big that there’s hair everywhere. There’s big hair and it’s everywhere!

9. Trinity Taylor!

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I’m living for this Trinity look! I couldn’t get a screen grab of the full outfit that wasn’t blurry because this bitch was flowinggggg. And those tits! One thing I really like about this look is…the hair. The hair almost seems to be…everywhere? It’s certainly very big. Very big hair. Very big hair everywhere.

10. Sasha Velour!

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Now *this* is a different take! Sasha skews the pageant look in favor for punk rock dyke realness. She’s nails the outfit and finally gets to show off her lovely cucu. (Watch out Trinity, LOL!!!!!). And tough she’s in contrast with the other queens, there’s also something that feels…familiar. To me, it’s the hair. Like the other queens, this hair is very big. And big hair means it pretty much goes everywhere. I love!

11. Peppermint!

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Peppermint just does straight up Chaka Khan and this makes for one of her best runway looks. As you know, Chaka is known for her hair. Her hair wasn’t small. In fact, it was big. And so Peppermint’s hair is also big. Peppermint has big hair and it goes everywhere, just like Chaka Khan, whose big hair also went everywhere!

12. Nina Bonina Brown!

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Oh well I never was there ever a queen so clever as magical Nina Bonina Brown! And Kitty came to scratch! Now, growing up, I had many cats. One of my favorites was a Calico cat named Sandy. Sandy was a short hair cat so she had, you guessed it,short hair. But as I look at Nina, I must point out that she does not seem to be a short hair cat. She seems muuuuch more like a long hair cat, because her hair is big and it goes everywhere. Also, Sandy died and I miss her.

13. Shea Coulee!

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Shea looking like she just came from the roller rink! The outfit is a touch basic, to be sure, but the character really sells it. This girl is gonna steal your man at the mall the very second you let him go get an Orange Julius! She’s sipping on a Diet Coke right through her straw into her mouth which is on her head that has some big hair that goes everywhere!!!!!

14. Alexis Michelle!

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Alexis looks magnificent! Sorry, I meant maleficent ;) Also, she’s got big hair everywhere! Big! Hair! Every! Where!

15. Aja!

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Okay, I gotta be real. I went into this season as a big fan of Aja. I’ve seen her around Brooklyn and this queen can really turn it. She’s an immensely talented lip sync-er and I think her Rhianna-hot-mess vibe is real fun. But I think she’s struggled this season. She’s a young queen and she’s clearly got some attitude problems that made her hard to work with. More than that, I think she’s gotten in her own way. One day, when she’s more seasoned, she might not make the same mistakes…but part of her joy is that young dumb and full of cum spirit. She gets read in the critiques for her poor performance in the acting challenge, which is all the worse given her tantrum during the casting. Rightly, she’s placed in the Bottom Two. She’s paired with Nina, who also was long overdue for a ‘come to Jesus’ moment, but as soon as they said it…I knew Aja was going home. Nina’s still got a story arc going. Will she finally believe in herself? Will she finally accept help? Will she confront her paranoia and try to allow herself to trust? There’s a narrative afoot, so she has to stay, even though Aja straight up turned it out during the LS4YL. And so Aja, sadly, goes home. I’m not arguing she should have stayed longer…but I do think she might be a better queen than the show has been able to present. And the hardest part is that this is the week we’ve seen her grow the most. She seemed genuinely remorseful of her behavior in the workroom and this runway look is the best she’s turned out yet. She’s serving Helena Bonham Carter at the Met Ball and it’s fucking fierce. Her tats look gorgeous. Her make-up is FINALLY blended and she looks beautiful. More than that, she seems proud, she’s standing tall. Much like…her hair. Which is fucking BIG and fucking EVERYWHERE!!!! BIG HEAIR IS FUCKING EVERYWHERE I LOVE THIS WEEK’S RUNWAY!!!!

16. Trinity’s Our Winner, Baby

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Trinity wins and (to me) solidifies her spot in the Top Three. Aja goes home after a truly fun and flirty lip sync. What a great ep! We had a lot of fun and we had a lot of hair and it was big and it went everywhere. Eight queens remain, see ya next week!

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