Full Credits

Stats & Data

August 03, 2010

This is a position piece from candidate for Mayor Toby Morton. He's also the subject of a hilarious new mockumentary called "Man of the People". For more info on the show, go to www.tobymorton.com Thanks for reading!


For Mayor

Taxi Cabs in NYC

Dear Constituents,

You may have heard lately that we're having a bit of a budget crisis here, and it's causing some economic problems, or vice verse—kind of a chicken/egg thing, I guess. The point is we got both here in NYC. People are hurting everywhere. I heard on a news report today that a bunch of recently laid-off people in the financial services sector have gotten hack licenses and started driving cabs. In fact, there are so many people flooding the cab companies, they get turned away every shift.

Now, this new type of driver poses some serious risks for you, the consumer. They deserve a right to earn a living the way anyone else does, and while you might think it's cool to boss around one these former financial giants, you, the customer, gotta be careful. You might not want to have your next cab driven by a former Wall Street Big Shot for the following reasons:

? he only knows how to get to three places: the New Jersey PATH Train, Lehmann Bros., and SCORES.

? he may constantly pester you with offers of ways to double the time you've invested in your ride.

? «for a small fee upfront, I can turn your short ride into a really LONG one.»

? like a vamipire, he can't cross any body of water.

? he thinks that East New York is in Alphabet City, and won't take you there, either.

? fare subject to varaible rate pricing: first 1/5 mile 40 cents, each subsequent 1/5 mile $1000.

? he likes to make small talk, but is fundamentally a whiny, annoying prick.

? he will insist on a letter of reference before taking you anywhere.

? will consistently play Springsteen's «Born in the USA,» way too loud, never realizing that the Boss never had him in mind when he wrote that song.

? he will drive up the cost of your ride with hidden charges for «optional» services, like the «brake» charge, the «lights» charge, and the «make the car go» charge.

? he will get drunk, throw up in his own cab and then demand you drive him home.

My friends, I just offer the suggestion to be careful—after all, they screwed a lot of people already. It must be said, though, what makes this country great is the freedom we enjoy. That includes the right of these guys involved in the toxic mortgage crisis and the hedge funds, and Madoff Ponzi schemes to try to make dough in a new way. Please remember that the next time you're about to give one of them a tip.

And remember me. I'm Toby Morton and I'm running for Mayor of NYC Watch for me, and I'll watch over you.


Toby Alouiscious Morton