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May 15, 2017
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Trust me. I'm a marine biologist, and that means I'm right.

I have been one of the top marine biologists for the past 25 years, and I’ve noticed many misconceptions average people have about marine life. One, sharks don’t receive any of the money from the Jaws movies, even though they should. Two, lobsters and crabs are the same thing, just viewed from different angles. Three, the most important misconception and why I address you today, coral reefs are a bunch of freeloading calcium carbonate ecosystems that have never worked a day in their lives and need to save themselves!

In the past decade, pollution and coral mining has threatened the many reefs in our oceans, so humans have banded together to create marine protected areas, basically underwater wildlife refuges, to keep these lazy sacks of shit alive. Millions of dollars and thousands of hours have gone to protecting a bunch of living ocean rocks that don’t do a damn thing. We could be spending that money and time on training squids and sea turtles to be our underwater butlers!

Has a coral reef ever saved a human’s life? Did a chunk of coral reef stop that stingray from killing Steve Irwin, humanity’s favorite Crocodile Hunter? NO! In fact, I have it on good authority that the nearest coral reef laughed as Mr. Irwin passed away and may have even said “Should’ve stuck with crocodiles, buddy!” I can’t prove that this happened, or that coral reefs can laugh or talk, but it rings true with all I believe about them.

I think it is imperative that humanity wash our hands of these nasty tentacles and polyps living in bony shells. Hell, I’m even fine with giving them one last ounce of aid before turning our backs on them. I say we drop a few boxes full of guns and ammo with a note that says, “HERE YOU GO! PROTECT YOURSELF! LOVE, HUMANITY.” I also believe we should do this with endangered land animals too, but that’ll have to wait for another day.

I’ll leave you with a story about one of my own personal encounters with these underwater loafers.

My first job out of college had me studying a coral reef off the coast of Australia. I would scuba down to them and take samples for analysis. One day, I get back on the boat after taking a sample, and notice that my wallet, the one I always scuba dive with in case I need to buy something in the ocean, is missing. I hop back into the ocean and I see a mass of coral with MY WALLET! I grab it and look through it and everything is missing. No cash. No credit cards. No pictures of my hot girlfriend. NOTHING! The coral stole it all and the police didn’t care.

Still think we should be protecting these thieves?
I say let them die. If not for me and my stolen wallet, then for Steve Irwin and all the crocodiles he hunted so we didn’t have to.

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