Look, we all know how this shit works by now. Any Republican candidate who gets in bed with Ol’ J.C. is rewarded with the collective voting strength of this country’s Religious Right — that can make or break an election, and every one of these pencil dicks looking to secure the Republican nomination damn well knows it.

But I’m starting to think that maybe they don’t know how you actually get my endorsement. Well, listen up, Cruz, Rubio, Walker, Bush, Huckabee,Trump, and the rest of you hundred or so other dipshits looking to be the Republican candidate for president: If you want me, the Lord Jesus Christ, to back you up, you gotta make sure I get my beak wet, if you know what I’m sayin’.

C'mon, dummies — don’t make me come right out and say it — you gotta pay me off, get it? Liquidate some of those Super PAC millions and grease my stigmatized, bleeding palms already, OK?

Actually, Trump, you should stop reading right now.You don’t need to pay me off, ‘cause I’d feel pretty bad giving you the impression that you have a chance in fuckin’ H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks of winning this thing. Not even Jesus’ magical powers are that strong.

But look, not to be crass — J.C. needs a little cash influx right now, OK? I got some expensive tastes, you know? Wine and shit. So the rest of you clowns just toss some cash in an envelope marked “HEAVEN” and it’ll get to me.

Just toss the cash in an envelope marked “HEAVEN.” It’ll get to me.

Maybe you’re worried about the attention moving that kind of cash around will draw from some government agencies and the like. I get it, I get it. Well, good news: I accept other “tokens of friendship,” too. Like, for example, if someone were to book the penthouse suite for the weekend at the Mirage in Las Vegas and a healthy line of credit at the casino under the name “The Son of God,” that might be looked upon favorably by a dude who died for the sins of all mankind.

And perhaps if a brand new 2015 Alpha Romeo Giulia showed up on my doorstep — by which I mean the motherfucking Pearly Gates — that certainly wouldn’t hurt someone’s chances at becoming leader of the Free World.

You didn’t know Jesus was a car guy? Of course I’m a car guy! Gimme the biggest, loudest, gas-guzzling supercars you got — we all know climate change is total bullshit, right fellas? Fuck whatever that idiot the Pope says. Stupid dumbshit.

But maybe you dingbats are thinking about taking the moral high road here. First of all, there’s no moral road higher than Jesus-Motherfucking-Christ, so just shut the fuck up right there. And need I remind you what happens when a Republican candidate doesn’t pay the piper? Just look at McCain in 2008: He was left holding his dick in his hands because he didn’t pony up to me, and when he was scrambling around like an idiot with his campaign in shambles, he panicked and hitched his wagon to that nutjob Sarah Palin to try and get the Jesus votes!

I don’t even fuck with Palin, man. She’s on some other shit.

And Huckabee, how many times have you got your ass handed to you now? Just because you expense me a few SERIOUSLY low-level call girls, you think I’m gonna help you out, you cheap son-of-a-bitch? Dude, think about it: I fuck angels whenever I want! You gotta step up your game, chump.

You Republican candidates ALL gotta step up your game, if you ask me. I already got a nice box of Cuban cigars and some 75-year-old scotch from my main bitch Hillary, and she’s promised me that’s just the beginning.

Remember: I rode out of Bethlehem on a donkey, so I ain’t too shy to let one ride my dick all the way to the White House in 2016. Peace out, fuckos.

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