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Stats & Data

May 09, 2012

I've worked way too long for this company, I have anger management issues and my weapon of choice is sarcasm. You know you want to send this to your boss right now.

To whom it may concern--

It is with great sorrow that I must resign my position as Manager of Internet Marketing, and leave the company permanently.

I have done a great deal of soul-searching over the past few years, and have made a number of changes in my personal life as a result. I've been listening to a lot of music with lyrics of personal significance. And wow...it's impossible to express it as clearly as I'd like, but those guys from Nickelback have really opened my eyes to the big picture.

Although I love social media and ecommerce marketing, I've come to the conclusion that a conventional, 9-to-5 cubicle job is simply not a good fit for me. I have, therefore, decided to move to Reno, Nevada, where I have accepted a position as Director of Ecommerce Initiatives for one of the country's largest and most successful employee-owned brothels.

I will be privileged to architect and execute some visionary social strategies in my new role. We will, for example, initiate Twitter feeds for all employees, so that customers and prospective customers may "follow" the tantalizingly racy escapades of their favorite ladies (follow @secksyshaniqua foran example from our pilot project). I will also head up planning for a new team to reorganize the targeted email campaigns for the brothel's website, which features their proprietary line of barrier contraceptives and flavored lubricants. The cross-linking strategy campaigns and affiliate marketing feeds will be challenging yet entertaining.

I realize that these projects may sound similar to my current duties for your company, so you may still be wondering why I'm really leaving. I guess what I've come to realize is that I enjoy marketing, but it's important to me to be involved in an industry that brings people pleasure. If I'm going to work for money-groveling whores anyway, I feel it will be refreshing to at least be straighforward about that in our advertising. A corporate culture of fairness and equity is also important to me, so I welcome the chance to promote an organization that provides opportunity for ALL to take a shot in the face in furtherance of their career goals, instead of offering such opportunities only to a privileged few.

I must thank you for all that working here has taught me; I feel my skills will translate extremely well to my new position. Thanks to my experiences here, I'm already well-versed in working long, unorthodox hours, at a business which the surrounding community finds an embarrassment and a public health hazard. Since part of my new responsibilities will include employee mentoring and professional coaching, I must also thank you for providing me with a background working in a high-turnover environment where masochism is considered a job skill, and for encouraging me, as a manager, to hone my ability to convince employees that taking it up the ass will feel good after they get used to it.

I had intended to provide a customary two weeks' notice in order to allow for an orderly departure process, consisting of handing off responsibilities and providing documentation of current workflow to ensure a smooth transition. However, I have changed my mind, as it occurred to me that such a procedure may interfere with your executive philosophy (which I believe was derived from this one episode of The West Wing you saw this one time, subtitled 'The One-Minute Chaos Theorist'). A well-structured exit strategy may also make it more difficult for you to ensure that the seven people you will have to underpay to replace me are quickly able to throw their hands up in despair at all of the random direction and poorly strategized projects with which you will soon overwhelm and micromanage them.

Therefore, I will be drunk in the bar down the street by the time you are able to hire a contractor to pull this email out of your spam filter because no one on staff at your "ecommerce technology" company is qualified to figure that out.

I'll leave the Vaseline under my desk for my replacement.

Former Employee

P.S. A standard print convention to indicate wry irony or sarcasm consists of placing key phrases in quotation marks.

P.P.S. My new office has a window, and there are squirrels, and the squirrels are married. And I believe you have my stapler. It was a Swingline, and I kept it, and I kept the staples, because I liked the Swingline better.

P.P.P.S. You have no idea what that last postscript was about, do you? Here's a parting Internet marketing tip: if you want to brand yourself as a hip, with-it Internet expert, you might want to use the fucking Internet once in a while.

P.P.P.P.S. For something other than Hungarian porn.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And stop Googling "hilary clinton naked" at work--you're skewing our analytics.