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Published June 29, 2011 More Info »
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Published June 29, 2011

The Etiquette of Coach Bus Travel: A Guide and Reflection

If seating is free and unassigned, then, unlike most social events, you ought arrive at the bus station fashionably early. 

Forgo placing your luggage, no matter its quantity, in the expansive space provided under the bus prior to boarding: it is tacky and indicates that your valuables are worth less than those carried onto the bus. Extend an extra courtesy to the staff member working the lower cargo space by not making eye contact or responding to any vocal queries – this will enable him to recognize you as someone with upper storage space value and move on to helping those worth less than yourself. We suggest wearing headphones and sunglasses, whether the line forms inside or outside. Remember, it is important to exude your value at all steps of the process. The patrons of a coach bus reflect the quality of the bus and company itself, therefore, the more esteemed you appear, the more esteemed the company appears, and they appreciate your commitment to excellence. 

Proceed to prime seating – a seat’s value rises as distance from the bathroom increases. Leg space is another primary factor determining seat value. The latter criteria mediates the former; that is, the front row, although farther from the bathroom, loses some value because of its proximity to the driver’s and entry way barricades. We find rows two through four to be the most desirable seating. 

If you have multiple pieces of luggage place all but one in the foremost available overhead space. If carrying only a single bag bring it with you to the highest value row available and place it in whichever seat you do not sit in – this is a crucial step in further demonstrating your (and the bus company’s) quality.

Unfortunately, seat selection – aisle or window – eludes rigid instruction. Each possibility affords its own unique pitfalls and rewards. Each will be explained in turn.

Upon choosing an aisle seat we recommend the standard and immediate luggage drop in the adjoined window seat (if you have followed our instructions to this point, there is no reason it should not be vacant). Do not remove your sunglasses or headphones; they are crucial to preserving your high value. Turn your music up and lean back rotating 85-degrees towards the window and close your eyes. This is a courtesy often overlooked but one extremely appreciated by the lower valued passengers as they are likely incapable of assessing seat value on their own.  The lack of eye contact intimidates them, it is a non-vocal way of expressing the reality of their inferiority and everyone appreciates those who speak the truth politely. 

The potential danger of “going aisle” is the following.  It exposes your aisle-side arm to potential bump-age. Passerby’s and the weak bladder-ed ought to be important factors in your decision. If you are bumped, however, make sure to respond in a manner both firm and harsh, otherwise, your value lowers transferring to the individual who did not care about you enough to avoid your arm. 

Choosing to “go window” is inherently riskier: you have to ask permission to use the bathroom or stand to stretch and you lack the aisle to provide extra stretching space. Most perilously, though, if the headphone-sunglass-rotation maneuver fails and a talkative stranger occupies the aisle, you lack an easily accessible escape route. However, the potential positives are great. After performing the luggage drop and H-S-R maneuver – always rotating towards the window – you are often comfortably out of reach for those needed to acquire permission to join your row, unless, of course, the patron is unfortunately tall. In this rare instance it is best to respond to the overgrown inquirer with a faux phlegm-ridden cough and nod of approval. The cough may deter the potential seatmate, but more than likely, at least provides quiet – who actively seeks conversation with the sick?

Should you retain a row for yourself, the duration of the ride should be spent doing whatever feels natural.

Upon relinquishing your second seat, the duration of the trip should be spent demonstrating to your value to be higher than your companion in two ways possible ways. (This often results in a value-contest between the two passengers, a practice smiled upon by coach bus executives because of its innate potential to convey the high quality of patron that their bus line attracts.) 

First, the quiet way. Brush off or ignore all conversational attempts by your partner in favor of personal calls, checking your email, Facebook, or sports scores. Someone of only a slightly lesser value will appreciate this, as minuscule increments of variety disparity are often more difficult for the lesser person to determine. Upon your revealing this he or she will go about his or her own value-upping business. However, on occasion your encounter a “reacher.” This is someone who – because of the lack of mental fortitude inherent in “low valuers” – is either oblivious to the rules or is misguidedly trying to hyper-jump his value. Their inability to comprehend “the quiet way” leads to the second mode of companion necessitated personal value demonstration: the put down. 

The put down requires both focus and creativity. You must think on your feet, low valuers lack your cognitive capabilities - they are creatures of instinct. Take note of the quality of his or her clothes or electronics, correct their grammar, spend time name-dropping and revealing the details about the areas that most clearly demonstrate your high value. Be fearless and inventive, jolting these animals into realizing that you are out of their league takes cunning of the highest quality. We suggest to pursuing these avenues loudly. Effectively and publicly putting the peon in his or her place engenders a personal value jump of exponential proportions. And it is indicative of just how high your value is that you were able to craft the ugly situation into one beautifully reflecting your high worth.

 

Miscellany.   

If you receive a phone call speak at whatever volume level affords your interlocutor the greatest clarity. If the caller cannot hear you, it is best to speak louder to avoid the damning accusation that you do not possess a high quality phone; that your low quality phone reveals your low quality personality.

If you have “gone window,” then every 15 minutes take a walk up and down the aisle. It is important for you body’s circulation to stretch and consequently provides multiple opportunities to demonstrate your higher worth to your aisle seated companion.

A Final Word:

Once you have arrived it befits you to push your way off the bus as fast as possible. Those watching the buses passengers disembark generally lose interest after fifteen to twenty seconds, but often observe those first off until they pass out of their line of sight. The longer you are in sight, the greater the opportunity for others to realize the quality of your personality. Finally, if your bus made a rest stop where food was available and you made a purchase, there is one last veteran and gracious move to be made. Leave the wrappers on the floor and the drinks in the holder located at your seat. The bus driver will appreciate you leaving work to keep him busy – anything that helps the bus driver experience time moving faster is greatly appreciated by him, as his job is often monotonous and uneventful.

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