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June 02, 2015

Hillary Clinton, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush: They're all here, broken down in this convenient primer. HILLARY CLINTON Age: Female Experience: She's done all of the things What You Should Know: By now? Christ, probably everything about her. Having failed to receive the Democratic nomination in 2008, this time she is running as a woman Sleeps in vacuum-sealed sack every night. In 1995, while “bored one day at the White House,” Clinton came up with the idea for the George Foreman Grill. Turn Ons! Saxophone A Secret About Her: She's been Benghazi THIS WHOLE TIME BERNIE SANDERS Age: 73 Experience: I dunno probably a lot of hippie shit What You Should Know: "Bernie" is short for "Bertandernie." Above where we mentioned the hippie shit, we were referencing his political outlook, not any sort of “free love” sort of orgy dabbling he may have engaged in. Been known to host Eyes Wide Shut-themed Fuck Parties (catered by Ben and Jerry’s) JEB BUSH Age: 62 Experience: Lives in Florida, so name something stupid and he’s probably done it. What To Know: If elected, Jeb promises to report to the White House on a fuckin' killer jet ski Appeared uncredited in hit movie Pitch Perfect but was not asked to return for the sequel Willing to admit the invasion of Iraq was an idea BEN CARSON Age: 63 Experience: Has worked for his entire career as a neurosurgeon at John Hopkins in Baltimore; still hasn't seen The Wire. What You Should Know: Is still running for president Watched a couple eps of HBO’s Oz to cover his bases about prisons and homosexuality Recently pitched a fit in front of his team when he realized the yogurt he bought last week was plain, not vanilla Is grandfathered into one was of those unlimited data plans at AT&T. A secret about him: Does a great impression of a screaming goat MIKE HUCKABEE Age: Born in 1955 where he currently still resides. Experience: Governor of Arkansas, played the Evil Dean in several 80s college comedies. Things You Should Know: His full name is Mikabee Huckabee. Huckabee is the current subject of a popular internet meme wherein his face is photoshopped onto the bodies of muscular men masturbating. This bass playing chub-chub is surprisingly homophobic for a man who loves "holding down the low end" Thinks Josh Duggar should be forgiven but that Beyonce is "too vulgar". Compares being gay to drinking and swearing...which I guess means it's very cool and fun?? Turn Ons! Saying the f-word in bed. Not the one you're thinking of though-- the REAL BAD one. A Secret About Him: Never gone #2. CARLY FIORINA You really don't even need to know the basics about her. RICK SANTORUM Age: 57. Easy way to remember is like Heinz 57 but redder. Experience: Ran for Class President in high school, campaigning for "less flavorful water in the water fountains” What To Know: Refuses to get fully naked during sex, preferring to just pull his little penis through the hole in his boxers. Proud owner of 400 elephant tusks he keeps buried under his garage. His favorite movie is Elizabethtown. Calls bocce ball "Devil bowling." Turn Ons! His wife only after she’s showered and reapplied make up and has guaranteed their sex will produce a male child A Secret About Him: Entire family forgot to buy him Christmas presents last year GEORGE PATAKI Age: 69 What To Know: In my head I keep picturing George Takei. Coulda swore this was a character on Star Trek: The Next Generation, but my editor says that’s not true. Huh, oh well. Campaign slogan is "Ready To Get Wacky?" As a pro-choice, gay rights-supporting Republican, don't be surprised if you never hear anything further about Pataki. MARCO RUBIO Age: 44 Experience: Lots but mostly over the pants stuff What To Know: In case of strong winds, Marco always wears three layers of wigs While on the campaign trail, accidentally kissed a full-grown man dressed as a baby Loves a good laugh Hasn't committed murder yet TED CRUZ Age: 44 Experience: N/A What You Should Know: Like the parasite toxoplasmosis, his saliva makes rats lose their fear of cats, so they can be more easily hunted When he’s really in a zone at the office, forces employees to say he’s in “Cruz Control" Full name is Rafael Edward Sexyboy Cruz Secret About Him: Kissed his grandmother weird once and hasn’t seen her since RAND PAUL Age: 52 Experience: While campaigning for his current position as Senator of Kentucky, Paul's puppeteer fell ill and Kevin Clash, famous for playing Elmo on Sesame Street, was flown in to replace her. What To Know: Unapologetically refers to stars as "space glitter" In a 2013 interview with GQ, Paul revealed he has a third nipple, second dick, fourth anus and a birthmark over his heart that bears a striking resemblance Adolph Hitler Famously owns over 300 red neckties, 320 if you're letting him borrow from from everyone else in his family, 321 if fanciful bowties count. LINDSEY GRAHAM Age: 59 Experience: has the name of a hot college girl, so depends on who you ask What To Know: Has never left his home state of South Carolina, living in his own self-imposed Truman Show Wet t-shirt contest winner at Charleston Senór Frogs,1986, 1988, and 2010. Calls hats “mittens for your head”