Top 5 Ditches to Throw Yourself Into During Finals Week
By: Griffin Leeds and Kaitlyn Blansett
Son of a ditch, it’s finals week! You know what that means. Time for Funny or Die IU’s annual Top 5 Ditches to Throw Yourself Into. Using our three criteria, accessibility, aesthetics, and melancholy, be sure to take a study break to book a travel agent or decide on your own which of these lovely ditches to hurl your defeated carcass into this finals season.
When the Indiana Memorial Union was dedicated on June 13, 1932, a nearby ditch was also dedicated on June 14 to give students a space to marinate in their own academic insufficiency. Inadequacy and worthlessness are brought to new heights—well, lows—in this state-of-the-art hole in the ground. Herman B Wells supposedly said that the B in his name stood for “Be yourself” but he actually said off the record that it truly stands for “Be miserable for not giving that participation grade the gravity it deserved.” So when studying by the fire and throwing back those Starbucks coffees clearly isn’t getting the job done, take a little stroll to the west exit of the IMU to this trench. Put on R.E.M.’s“Everybody Hurts” and look at the night’s sky to wish upon a shooting star that you may perhaps marry rich instead. If that doesn’t work, lay down thy head and let nature take its course. This area has well nourished soil and the clover will look ravishing come spring when it adorns your dejected corpse as theEarth reclaims what is theirs.
When the university decided to plan out the campus, they knew that digging a good trench within soul-crushed shuffling distance of the music school would be a must. It is appropriately positioned behind the Musical Arts Center, a cement structure with one of the most dismal exteriors on campus. The way a musician tenderly lays down their instrument into their case after another useless three hours of painstaking practice, you too may carefully relinquish yourself to this cultured, stony riverbed and imagine the sound of the world’s smallest violin playing a tragic tune just for you.
Of course we couldn’t forget the fan favorite aquatic stretch running behind Foster. As we all know, this ditch is perfect for the IUBB fan and has great Hoosier historical significance. Not only did Isaac Newton ACTUALLY come upwith the theory of gravity upon tripping and falling into this ditch, but our very own Cody Zeller consecrated this site and made it hallowed when he came to terms with his failure after our fateful loss to Syracuse in 2013. Take a walk and be with the greats and realize that deep down, we’re all fuckups. Even at your lowest low, you’re in good company.
- Historical Accuracy: -4
Campus legend states that if a beaver with silver teeth crawls out from the Jordan River beside the Beck Chapel graveyard in the light of a December full moon, it will procure from its side-satchel a mystical tiara and show it to one lucky student. Should that student have the wisdom to solve a riddle, they will be granted the beaver’s tiara. With the company of a friend (just one friend, NO EXCEPTIONS), you two will be given the vision to seek out the Elder Trench, the most sacred and wondrous oblong depression of the Earth’s crust known to man, ancient and alive. Find it, lay in it, bask together in self-pity, then remember that CAPS always offers walk-in appointments and if you haven’t been yet this semester, it’s free.
The newest addition (or should we say a-ditch-ion?) to the IU collection is the Arboretum construction site, which let’s be honest, is basically a really, really wide ditch. It’s only here for a limited time, which based on other IU construction projects means eighteen to forty-ish months (and only under drought conditions), so there really is no rush on this one. You could still make time to throw yourself in it in the spring for finals if you don’t get around to it this year.
- Accessibility:10 (when considering that it is in the literal center of campus) or 2 (when considering the fact that it is surrounded by 8-foot tall construction fences)
So there you have it, IU! Every small, depression-containing ditch you could ever need during finals week! Remember to study and if you do feel the need to throw yourself into a literal valley-of-sadness remember to bring a buddy!